[Congratulations Rean something got in there past the panic.
It's just different panic, though. Somehow despite the entire running away and trying to disappear thing, he hadn't even thought of it in terms of the relationship. At least not in terms of breaking up. "I don't deserve Rean" and "I'm a faker lying to Rean" and "Maybe Rean's not real" are thoughts he had, absolutely. "I should leave so I don't find out I'm right" is also a thought he had, among a lot of other less coherent ones that led him to this room. But "I want to dump Rean" is not, actually, a thought that crossed his mind.
His mind has not been at all logical the last couple of weeks. But now that he's actually said it, the idea that Rean thinks Crow doesn't want him is even worse than the rest of it. He tried for actual years to convince Rean he didn't want him, but now that he's actually had him he can't imagine doing that again.
But that's what he's done, isn't it? He knew it underneath the mess but there is no walking away now without breaking Rean's heart in a way more profound than he ever could have the first time (the first of several). And yet he's still completely terrified of himself. Unfortunately escaping the lies and confusion and not hurting Rean are mutually exclusive concepts, so he doesn't know what to do.
He keeps thinking about Rean's smile. Rean's laugh. The warmth of his skin and the taste of him and the way he fits in Crow's arms like he was made for it.
The tears on his face when Crow died.
There it cycles back again.
He isn't sure who he is.
He isn't sure what's real.
He wants to disappear.
He wants to make Rean happy.
He's never been so torn or overwhelmed in his life. He's also never cried since he was a child, but even though his face is still blank, his eyes are welling up now. He's trying so hard not to emote that his face doesn't screw up, he doesn't sniffle or make a sound. It would be easy not to notice he's started crying at all except that he's making up for the silence with volume.
He drops his head further to hide it, as tears roll down his face and hit the floor, heavy in silence.
It feels like there's something physically choking him, stopping the words from getting out lest they break something. But finally he takes a slow, deep, shaky breath, and lifts a hand... to pinch Rean's cheek. It's quiet, but the forced smile is audible in his voice, even though it can't be seen.]
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It's just different panic, though. Somehow despite the entire running away and trying to disappear thing, he hadn't even thought of it in terms of the relationship. At least not in terms of breaking up. "I don't deserve Rean" and "I'm a faker lying to Rean" and "Maybe Rean's not real" are thoughts he had, absolutely. "I should leave so I don't find out I'm right" is also a thought he had, among a lot of other less coherent ones that led him to this room. But "I want to dump Rean" is not, actually, a thought that crossed his mind.
His mind has not been at all logical the last couple of weeks. But now that he's actually said it, the idea that Rean thinks Crow doesn't want him is even worse than the rest of it. He tried for actual years to convince Rean he didn't want him, but now that he's actually had him he can't imagine doing that again.
But that's what he's done, isn't it? He knew it underneath the mess but there is no walking away now without breaking Rean's heart in a way more profound than he ever could have the first time (the first of several). And yet he's still completely terrified of himself. Unfortunately escaping the lies and confusion and not hurting Rean are mutually exclusive concepts, so he doesn't know what to do.
He keeps thinking about Rean's smile. Rean's laugh. The warmth of his skin and the taste of him and the way he fits in Crow's arms like he was made for it.
The tears on his face when Crow died.
There it cycles back again.
He isn't sure who he is.
He isn't sure what's real.
He wants to disappear.
He wants to make Rean happy.
He's never been so torn or overwhelmed in his life. He's also never cried since he was a child, but even though his face is still blank, his eyes are welling up now. He's trying so hard not to emote that his face doesn't screw up, he doesn't sniffle or make a sound. It would be easy not to notice he's started crying at all except that he's making up for the silence with volume.
He drops his head further to hide it, as tears roll down his face and hit the floor, heavy in silence.
It feels like there's something physically choking him, stopping the words from getting out lest they break something. But finally he takes a slow, deep, shaky breath, and lifts a hand... to pinch Rean's cheek. It's quiet, but the forced smile is audible in his voice, even though it can't be seen.]
Aren't you tired of chasing me yet?