filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

You're not disgusting.

[That's the most important thing, here. Crow really really thinks touching Rean when he's like this is a bad idea, though. And yet he can't stand the idea of Rean feeling so bad about himself because of something Crow did to him. So he's cautiously going to pet his hair.]

I promise you no one could ever think you're awful.

[He's pathetically grateful just for this much, leaning his head into it, wanting so much more, feeling a little dizzy with... Everything. He's not in good shape but at least it doesn't hurt much. Crow petting his hair is the best thing he's felt ever.]

...

[He wants to believe Crow because Crow's saying it, but it's hard to... Believe because he can't fathom it at all. That he isn't gross when he obviously is.]

Prove it.

[He expects a rejection or excuse.]

I'm not gettin' down and dirty with you while you're on drugs, Rean.

[But he'll keep petting him at least.]

It's got nothing to do with you being awful. I'm just trying to be nice here.

Sure.

[This just tired disbelief in his voice but he will take what he can get, turning his head so maybe the pets get his face some? He's so starved for touch. But he might be a little angry, even slightly uh, snappish? He can be pretty mean when he's in a bad mood okay, and even through the lust he can't help the bitterness of feeling like that's just an excuse not to touch him more, the sharp ache of knowing he's too gross to be desirable.]

Is that what you were doing all these weeks? Caring about my mental state?

I--

[Wow. That stings. He can't say he doesn't deserve it, but the guilt's twisting a knife in his gut. Crow would really like to retreat, but he knows that makes Rean upset, so he doesn't. He does look away, though, going terribly quiet.]

...I don't have an excuse. But I'm trying to make up for it now.

....

[He thunks his face against the mattress, turning his head, trying to keep from making little whimpering noises at the weird sensation of the drugs making everything so distinctly... pleasurable.]

Sorry. That wasn't called for.

[It was probably entirely called for, but being Rean he now just feels kind of guilty about snapping at Crow.]

It kinda was.

[He knows it's his fault. He deserves it.]

I know what I did.

I... I don't care, honestly. I'm mad, but not at you. I shouldn't be asking you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with... You've already had enough of that, right?

[He knows Crow didn't enjoy it. That blank mask of indifference was so painful, when he was coherent enough to notice it.]

Sorry. Sorry I'm really just... A mess right now.

I said to stop apologizing, didnt I?

[He hates it so much.]

I made the decision to go along with it. I don't want to hear you blame yourself for anything.

Sorry.

[Whoops. Well, he just... Shuts up. Nothing he can say will really be anything Crow wants to hear at this point, and he's too tired and drugged to otherwise filter himself.]

...

[Sigh. Okay. He can at least pull Rean back into his arms and hold him properly.]

None of it was your fault, and neither is being messed up about it. You're stronger than most people would be. Now I can't order you to be mad at me, but I'm the one who chose to go along with it, and that's my mistake to be sorry for. Got it?

[He leans into it, desperately needing the touch. He listens to that too, and it's... Reasonable? Reasonable enough. Except he still feels to blame on some level. If he'd been stronger, or...]

Fine. But stop... Treating me like I don't know my own mind.

What are you talking about?

[When has he ever done such a thing? He sure doesn't know.]

You act like... loving you is the drugs talking or something. I get it if you just... Find me disgusting but at least... Be honest.

I'm--

[Well no he's not being honest, but Rean is wrong about what he's being dishonest about.]

You're not disgusting. But you never said anything like that before, so how do I know it's not the drugs? Even if it's not, I...

[He can't. He can't imagine staying after Rean's safe with better people.]

...No matter how I feel about you, it won't change that we belong in different places.

You never gave me a chance! I didn't want to acknowledge it and then you left and it's the only thing I've wanted to tell you since, after I made you come back--but now I can't even do that...

[God he's so upset, even aphro drugs can't stop him from tearing up.]

You don't belong anywhere but with Class VII--no, with me! I was supposed to drag you back but I can't even manage that in this state!

And who's the one who did that to you?

[Crow's going flat rather than deal with the feelings this is dragging up. He can untie Rean now, he thinks, but he can't make eye contact.]

Honestly, even if you'd told me, I'd still have left.

Then take responsibility and don't just pass me off! If you already quit with them then I won't let you leave me behind a second time!

[He's panting from the exertion of yelling at Crow and also the drugs making every sensation so much.]

I don't--give a damn what you've done! I just want you to come back. You don't have to love me back you just have to return where you belong!

I do love you back.

[As hard as it is to say. He's got Rean untied now, and he's hugging him tight, with all the fragile feelings he intends to throw away.]

I do. But I won't stay.

[God it feels so good to be in Crow's arms and he is raising his own to cling to him, burying his face against Crow's chest and letting out a frustrated noise. Needy but also angry.]

Why not?! If you're not lying--why?

[If it's real, if Crow actually means that, why won't he just stay?]

I need you, you selfish asshole!

I don't wanna talk about it.

[He doesn't want to but he's still putting his face in Rean's hair and holding him close.]

There are a lot of people who need you more than you need me.

You--you don't get to say that! You don't know how much I need you! I'll follow you to hell and drag you kicking and screaming if you make me, I... I love you, I keep telling you this, you say you love me back but you're just a coward.

Yeah. I am.

[He can't even deny it. He just can't go back anymore, after this. And besides, there are other people who need Crow, too, that he just abandoned. He just can't see a happy couple kind of future for them.]

I'm selfish, and a coward, and I'm going to leave you. But I'm here right now.

I won't let you.

[He won't let Crow leave him, even if it's going to be harder, now, with everything the way it is, with his whole body shaking a little with need and his mind swimming in and out of coherence.

Anyway since he isn't tied up he's going to lean up and kiss Crow, because fuck you Crow. Or fuck Rean, actually.]

[Kissing back is just automatic. He's wanted to kiss Rean for a long time, after all. He's loved him, just as long, just as frustratingly hidden. So for a moment he melts into it, before jerking back and putting his hands on Rean's shoulders.

His face is red but he's also just worried.]

...This is a mistake.

[It's not good. If they do this, they can't take it back, and it'll only hurt more when Crow leaves.

But he's not actually saying no anymore. Maybe... maybe he can just lie, so Rean can be happy until the time they part.]

PSLS BECAUSE GAY

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