filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[He leans into it, desperately needing the touch. He listens to that too, and it's... Reasonable? Reasonable enough. Except he still feels to blame on some level. If he'd been stronger, or...]

Fine. But stop... Treating me like I don't know my own mind.

What are you talking about?

[When has he ever done such a thing? He sure doesn't know.]

You act like... loving you is the drugs talking or something. I get it if you just... Find me disgusting but at least... Be honest.

I'm--

[Well no he's not being honest, but Rean is wrong about what he's being dishonest about.]

You're not disgusting. But you never said anything like that before, so how do I know it's not the drugs? Even if it's not, I...

[He can't. He can't imagine staying after Rean's safe with better people.]

...No matter how I feel about you, it won't change that we belong in different places.

You never gave me a chance! I didn't want to acknowledge it and then you left and it's the only thing I've wanted to tell you since, after I made you come back--but now I can't even do that...

[God he's so upset, even aphro drugs can't stop him from tearing up.]

You don't belong anywhere but with Class VII--no, with me! I was supposed to drag you back but I can't even manage that in this state!

And who's the one who did that to you?

[Crow's going flat rather than deal with the feelings this is dragging up. He can untie Rean now, he thinks, but he can't make eye contact.]

Honestly, even if you'd told me, I'd still have left.

Then take responsibility and don't just pass me off! If you already quit with them then I won't let you leave me behind a second time!

[He's panting from the exertion of yelling at Crow and also the drugs making every sensation so much.]

I don't--give a damn what you've done! I just want you to come back. You don't have to love me back you just have to return where you belong!

I do love you back.

[As hard as it is to say. He's got Rean untied now, and he's hugging him tight, with all the fragile feelings he intends to throw away.]

I do. But I won't stay.

[God it feels so good to be in Crow's arms and he is raising his own to cling to him, burying his face against Crow's chest and letting out a frustrated noise. Needy but also angry.]

Why not?! If you're not lying--why?

[If it's real, if Crow actually means that, why won't he just stay?]

I need you, you selfish asshole!

I don't wanna talk about it.

[He doesn't want to but he's still putting his face in Rean's hair and holding him close.]

There are a lot of people who need you more than you need me.

You--you don't get to say that! You don't know how much I need you! I'll follow you to hell and drag you kicking and screaming if you make me, I... I love you, I keep telling you this, you say you love me back but you're just a coward.

Yeah. I am.

[He can't even deny it. He just can't go back anymore, after this. And besides, there are other people who need Crow, too, that he just abandoned. He just can't see a happy couple kind of future for them.]

I'm selfish, and a coward, and I'm going to leave you. But I'm here right now.

I won't let you.

[He won't let Crow leave him, even if it's going to be harder, now, with everything the way it is, with his whole body shaking a little with need and his mind swimming in and out of coherence.

Anyway since he isn't tied up he's going to lean up and kiss Crow, because fuck you Crow. Or fuck Rean, actually.]

[Kissing back is just automatic. He's wanted to kiss Rean for a long time, after all. He's loved him, just as long, just as frustratingly hidden. So for a moment he melts into it, before jerking back and putting his hands on Rean's shoulders.

His face is red but he's also just worried.]

...This is a mistake.

[It's not good. If they do this, they can't take it back, and it'll only hurt more when Crow leaves.

But he's not actually saying no anymore. Maybe... maybe he can just lie, so Rean can be happy until the time they part.]

You don't get it.

[He's not forcing it, he's a little loopy and very very turned on and kind of dazed just from a kiss but right now any touch is amazing and he'll lean into the hands on his shoulders.]

I won't let it be a mistake.

...You're so stubborn.

[He's going to pretend he's caving. He is, sort of. Halfway, in that he's going to let this happen. That might make the betrayal he's planning worse, but if it gets them to the point where Rean's safe, he'll accept that. It'll just be the cherry on top of the guilt sundae.

Right now though he's smiling a little, sadly, and cupping Rean's cheek in one hand.]

Are you sure you want this?

[He's leaning desperately into the touch. Much as he wants to have the self-control and poise to be not a drugged out mess, he doesn't. He can't willpower through his own neediness into the strength he knows they both need from him, so he'll just have to rely on his stubbornness to make sure it'll be fine in the long run no matter what.

Which is more instinctive reasoning than conscious thought right now, when he wants Crow so much it's crowding out other thoughts entirely.]

How many ways do I have to make it clear I want you for you to believe me?

[The whole "I love you" issue is another thing he can continue to address forever but like, currently, wanting Crow is tied as much to lust he knows he's not in control of as it is to his own love for him.

To illustrate though he'll just try to climb on Crow.]

Whoah, okay, I believe you!

[He's not pushing him away this time. Just leaning back to settle more, and gently putting his arms around Rean's waist.]

I'm just being careful.

PSLS BECAUSE GAY

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