filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

Honestly...

[But he'll watch Crow eat fondly, before dragging him out to do helpful things around town like he threatened.]

[Now that's just terrible. He's too old for field studies, "going back to school" aside. But he is pretty happy to follow Rean around. He enjoys the workout, too, and despite what he'd tell anyone he likes people, and helping people.

So it's not so bad. And then they go home and Crow plays teacher's aide and that's not so bad either. They start sleeping in the same bed, and their physical relationship doesn't progress too much but there's more than there was before Crow ran off. It's nice.

It's a really nice life, until Crow notices his body failing. At first he thinks he's just got a cold, when he starts getting dizzy spells. But then his vision starts to gradually blur, and his fingertips start to go numb. It's mild, at first. Minor, easily worked through and dismissed. If he were older, maybe he'd assume it's just aging. But he's only 22, and the problem is just a red flag of all of his fears about ceasing to exist.

He doesn't say anything. He knows Rean's going to be angry at him, but he just doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to spend the time he has left watching Rean cry, so instead he's determined to see Rean as happy as he can, while he can. He does his best to be a good "student". To take on the lion's share of the chores, to get better and better at cooking, to take Rean on as many stupid fluffy happy dates as he can plan.

He tries not to look like he's trying too hard, though. He doesn't want to warn Rean, so he makes sure to absolutely not give off any of his usually unhappy tells -- no spacing out, no distance. He's just all love and teasing affection, and everything is great until about a week after graduation. It's time for a new class to come in, and Rean's been busy getting this year's Class VII first years acclimated. Too busy in fact to notice that Crow's been dizzy more often the last few days. He's dizzy today, too, while they're walking side-by-side down the street towards Kirche's for lunch.

Suddenly, he slows. In the bare handful of seconds before Rean's able to realise he's falling behind, he sways, lifting a hand to his head, and just as Rean turns around he crumples to the ground, totally unconscious.]

[Rean's observant in his own ways, but Crow... Is Crow. If he's determined not to let Rean catch on, and it's not something Rean is looking for, he doesn't have much chance of catching it. And he doesn't, not until he's watching Crow fold on the sidewalk like he's a puppet with his strings cut.

He moves fast, it's a good thing speed is one of his main attributes, because he manages to catch Crow before he crashes and knocks anything into the pavement. Alarmed, he's yelling Crow's name but of course Crow isn't responding. People nearby are reacting too, because it's a dramatic scene. Ream doesn't need help carrying Crow, but he does send someone to fetch Beatrix, and then he's hauling Crow back to the church where Crow will wake up in one of the church cots, a worries Rean at his side.]

[He wakes up feeling kind of woozy, but otherwise normal. That's probably the worst part -- everything is fine until it's not, for just a moment, as if his life is a faulty orbment light, flickering as it starts to go out. He can't tell when it'll happen, but it's happening more often.

He remembers, abruptly, that this time it happened near Rean, so he goes from lashes fluttering to sitting straight up in an instant.]

--! Rean?!

[Oh hell. He's in trouble now.]

[He's sitting up too, from his worried and anxious slouch to startled and upright as Crow shoots up.]

Hey, hey settle down. I'm right here.

[He doesn't know what's wrong yet, he's worried Crow's sick, so all the abrupt movement can't be great for him.]

How do you feel?

Fine. I feel... fine.

[That's not even a lie. For now he feels fine, other than the fuzziness on the edge of his vision that's become an easily ignored constant.]

Too much beer not enough water this week, I guess.

Yeah, I'm not buying that. You're not dehydrated.

[That was the first thing the father looked for, and heatstroke, but Crow shows signs of neither.]

What's really going on?

I dunno. Just felt dizzy all of a sudden...

[Neither statement is a lie. He really doesn't know what, exactly, is happening to his body, only that it's happening. And the dizziness was very abrupt. But now that Rean's suspicious Crow's lies won't be nearly as convincing.]

[Right he absolutely doesn't buy it now, but... He sighs.]

Instructor Beatrix will want to get a better look at you then. Is dizzy the only thing?

[He's worried, deeply, but he doesn't know how worried he should be so he's also just trying to be practical.]

...

[He can't exactly protest seeing Beatrix and also pretend he isn't aware he's fucked. He's not sure what to say -- he can't lie anymore. Either he tells the truth or Rean finds out when tests are run.

He goes quiet, rather than respond. He's looking at his hands, willing them not to tremble, but not saying a word.]

...Crow?

...Actually... I think I'm dying.

[For real this time. His voice is dull with resignation, but there's fear and sadness there too.]

I knew you'd be pissed off if I didn't tell you, but I-- I wanted us to be happy as long as we could.

What...?

[This has to be some kind of joke...? But it's not. It's the furthest thing from a joke. and he's stunned, because what?]

What are you talking about?

[He needs more details, he needs to know what's happening, so then he can... Do something about it?]

[In true Crow fashion, he laughs, bitterly.]

You know how I told you I was afraid this body would expire? I was right. Maybe I jinxed it even.

It's not just getting dizzy. My eyes are getting fuzzy. Sometimes my fingers go numb, or I get really nauseous... This really isn't a body anyone was supposed to inhabit.

[He swallows heavily, all of that... None of it sounds good but he's not giving up up or anything, he's just alarmed and kind of upset that Crow's hid this from him. That somehow he didn't notice at all.]

How long?

Couple of months...

[Ugh. He's just going to flop backwards and stare at the ceiling. He's so sick of bad things. He just wanted to be happy with Rean. He quit trying to do stupid shit. He was ready to settle down. It's not fair!]

Months?!

[Now he's really mad. But also, being mad isn't constructive. He takes a deep breath and focuses himself, calm down.]

We'll have Instructor Beatrix examine you. I'm not giving up on you just yet, Crow, so don't you dare give up either.

Got it.

[He's draping one arm over his face, but with the other hand he gives a half-hearted thumbs up. He's certainly not going to argue with Rean trying to save his life. He feels hopeless about it himself, but if he's got limited time the last way he wants to spend it is fighting with Rean. So he'll just drag himself along, continuing to move forward until Rean fixes it or his body gives out.]

...Sorry I didn't tell you.

[He sighs and leans forward, catching Crow's hand and wrapping both his around it.]

I'm still mad at you for that. I thought we went over talking to me. But we'll figure this out and I can yell at you about it at my leisure then, okay?

[He's mad. He's really upset. He's scared. But now isn't the time to read Crow the riot act. That can wait until the danger is gone and Crow's back in good health.]

You can yell now. Get it off your chest.

[Just in case he can't later. Crow doesn't want to die leaving Rean with words unsaid. He also just doesn't want to live the remainder of his life with unresolved guilt.]

I'm not too fragile to get angry at.

Oh, I plan to get angry. I'm not holding back because I'm giving up, you're getting an earful when we figure out what's wrong and fix it.

[He's not going to entertain the idea they can't stop whatever is happening to Crow's body, so it's not an issue.]

[Rean is treated to a big shameless WHINE.]

Reeeeean... Just get mad now! This is why I didn't tell you.

No, you can anticipate the chewing out you're going to get. Maybe making you stew is part of the punishment.

I should have just lied more.

[No he shouldn't have but he kind of wishes he had. He doesn't want to doubt Rean's ability to help him, but he's genuinely petrified of ending on a bad note.]

No.

[His voice is steely.]

No more lying to me, Crow. No more keeping things to yourself. Best case, this can be handled fast. But if it takes a long time, if we're struggling to keep you together, then that's all the more reason you need to talk to me.

I refuse to lose you. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year. I know you have the dedication to thwart an army if you put your mind to it, so put your mind to staying with me.

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