filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

...Crow?

...Actually... I think I'm dying.

[For real this time. His voice is dull with resignation, but there's fear and sadness there too.]

I knew you'd be pissed off if I didn't tell you, but I-- I wanted us to be happy as long as we could.

What...?

[This has to be some kind of joke...? But it's not. It's the furthest thing from a joke. and he's stunned, because what?]

What are you talking about?

[He needs more details, he needs to know what's happening, so then he can... Do something about it?]

[In true Crow fashion, he laughs, bitterly.]

You know how I told you I was afraid this body would expire? I was right. Maybe I jinxed it even.

It's not just getting dizzy. My eyes are getting fuzzy. Sometimes my fingers go numb, or I get really nauseous... This really isn't a body anyone was supposed to inhabit.

[He swallows heavily, all of that... None of it sounds good but he's not giving up up or anything, he's just alarmed and kind of upset that Crow's hid this from him. That somehow he didn't notice at all.]

How long?

Couple of months...

[Ugh. He's just going to flop backwards and stare at the ceiling. He's so sick of bad things. He just wanted to be happy with Rean. He quit trying to do stupid shit. He was ready to settle down. It's not fair!]

Months?!

[Now he's really mad. But also, being mad isn't constructive. He takes a deep breath and focuses himself, calm down.]

We'll have Instructor Beatrix examine you. I'm not giving up on you just yet, Crow, so don't you dare give up either.

Got it.

[He's draping one arm over his face, but with the other hand he gives a half-hearted thumbs up. He's certainly not going to argue with Rean trying to save his life. He feels hopeless about it himself, but if he's got limited time the last way he wants to spend it is fighting with Rean. So he'll just drag himself along, continuing to move forward until Rean fixes it or his body gives out.]

...Sorry I didn't tell you.

[He sighs and leans forward, catching Crow's hand and wrapping both his around it.]

I'm still mad at you for that. I thought we went over talking to me. But we'll figure this out and I can yell at you about it at my leisure then, okay?

[He's mad. He's really upset. He's scared. But now isn't the time to read Crow the riot act. That can wait until the danger is gone and Crow's back in good health.]

You can yell now. Get it off your chest.

[Just in case he can't later. Crow doesn't want to die leaving Rean with words unsaid. He also just doesn't want to live the remainder of his life with unresolved guilt.]

I'm not too fragile to get angry at.

Oh, I plan to get angry. I'm not holding back because I'm giving up, you're getting an earful when we figure out what's wrong and fix it.

[He's not going to entertain the idea they can't stop whatever is happening to Crow's body, so it's not an issue.]

[Rean is treated to a big shameless WHINE.]

Reeeeean... Just get mad now! This is why I didn't tell you.

No, you can anticipate the chewing out you're going to get. Maybe making you stew is part of the punishment.

I should have just lied more.

[No he shouldn't have but he kind of wishes he had. He doesn't want to doubt Rean's ability to help him, but he's genuinely petrified of ending on a bad note.]

No.

[His voice is steely.]

No more lying to me, Crow. No more keeping things to yourself. Best case, this can be handled fast. But if it takes a long time, if we're struggling to keep you together, then that's all the more reason you need to talk to me.

I refuse to lose you. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year. I know you have the dedication to thwart an army if you put your mind to it, so put your mind to staying with me.

I'm going to.

[He is. He's going to try as hard as he can. He's just... scared. And frustrated, and angry too. He's keeping his arm over his face just so Rean can't see all those feelings spilling out.]

I just don't want to waste time not getting along with you.

[He's reaching out to gently move that arm.]

No time we spend together is wasted. But I don't want to spend my energy being mad when we have other more important things to deal with. You've been keeping this to yourself so long, you've probably been freaked out enough that nothing I say compares.

I just... don't lie to me anymore.

[Noooo don't look at his pathetic face! If Rean's going to move his arm Crow's just going to roll over and hide his face in the pillow.]

Fine. I won't.

[He'll try, anyway. Truth isn't exactly his strong suit, but he knows it's important to Rean, so...]

Crow.

[He tries to tilt Crow's face towards him.]

Hey. Don't hide from me.

[Crow makes a disgruntled noise, but he doesn't fight Rean. He just looks at him with a troubled expression, not at all sure how to engage right now. He knows he needs to believe in Rean, but Crow's feeling pretty miserable. He doesn't want to show that though, because he's hurt Rean already and the best he thinks he can do for him is not let this drag him down too much. If he looks unhappy, he's just putting more stress on Rean, but if he lies he's also putting stress on Rean, so what does he do?]

Rean... I trust you.

[To fix this, that is. He does, at least in the part of his heart that isn't pounding at the proverbial walls and screaming.]

I swear I'm not going to lie to you anymore, okay? I'm just... mad.

Okay. Talk to me?

[If Crow's mad or upset or whatever, he wants to be there to listen, to support him, he wants this relationship to work, long-term, forever kind of work. That means he absolutely can't let Crow die, for one, but also he needs to get Crow to open up to him more.]

Mnnngh.

[He doesn't wanna!! Goddess being honest is hard. It sucks.]

It's annoying. Those assholes are gone and they're still fucking with me. I'm not even fighting anymore! I just wanted to be left alone to live how I want.

Yeah. Me too. But this isn't going to stop either of us, right?

...Right.

[Yeah. He's got to keep moving, like always. It's just rough, right now. He's a lot more afraid of dying than he used to be.]

But I still want to kill them a thousand times.

Mm.

[He can't blame Crow really. He's going to run his fingers through Crow's hair.]

I can't say I'm not mad too.

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