filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

I don't want to be alone.

[He's sounding softly high, mellow. But like this he's still aware of what comes later, and as much as negative emotions can penetrate, he's scared of it.]

...You're already alone.

[Ugh. It's not new to Crow, this pretending he doesn't care thing. But it stings more sharply than it used to.]

Get used to it.

[He starts to say something and then just... Stops. The pleasure is sapping away his ability to think or care, his memories of why he should, but he's still aware enough that the heartbreak is naked in his expression.

He doesn't believe that. He doesn't believe he's alone but he doesn't know how Crow can go through with this either.]

...Crow...

[Honestly the drugs are wearing him down but what might be worse is the loneliness. Solitary isolation except when Crow comes to get him high, the non-interactions with those who bring food, Rean isn't a person built for this kind of loneliness.]

Honestly, you should just quit talking to me.

[Because he's horrible and doesn't deserve it. But he's trying to make it sound like he's irritated by it instead. Like he's fine with all this and Rean's friendliness is a bother.]

Unless you're answering a question, nothing you say has any use.

Sorry...

[His voice is a little off and floaty, mellow, getting strung out.]

I must be really disappointing you, not finding a way out already.

[He smiles, like that isn't even a bad thing now. The words are sad, even his expression is sad, but the drugs are strong and does it really matter?]

I'm not disappointed.

[Crow snaps the words harshly, too emotional for how cold he's trying to be.

He's not disappointed. It's not Rean's fault. It's Crow's, and it's eating him up inside. This is so much worse than just fighting Rean.]

Just forget it. I really don't need you throwing your feelings at me.

[His breath is hitching a little, the higher dose, the pleasure making him flush and close his eyes briefly.]

Not gonna forget. Promised.

[He's sure he's sad about some things, but that seems so very distant. It's nice now, everything is so... good, right now. He doesn't want this state to stop.]

I don't care.

[He does care. That's why he's going to storm out, and slam the door behind him. He just can't stand being around Rean, like this.]

[At least when he's high it feels good. They want him to be able to fight on this drug so the pleasurable affects aren't all encompassing, but they're certainly there. Worse is the affect on his mind, erasing his awareness of self and his memories when he's in the height of it. He's not immune to boredom, exactly, but it's hard to be bored when you can just get off or touch your own face and find it fascinatingly pleasurable.

The higher dose leaves him strung out for a while but all too soon the crash comes, and it's harder.

This time is a little different than the others. Not curled on the floor vomiting and sobbing but instead curling on himself and clawing at his skin, screaming incoherently to get it off, get it out, make it stop. Bugs under his flesh, or something crawling. That's what he thinks. He tears up his arms and his neck until his nails are dripping and bloody, his eyes turned red and his hair white and his demeanor feral and mad. He scratches under his eyes, leaving scratches on his face, and licks at his bloody nails when he finally calms down.

But the calm doesn't bring a reversion to his normal look, like something broke a little in him, and he's stuck like this.

The next time the orderlies step into the room he attacks them. Unsuccessfully, but with more strength than he's had before.]

[Crow has to watch it on the monitors. He has to take notes, and they have to sound objective.

It's the worst. As he watches and listens to Rean break, he can feel his own heart shutting down. He can't go on like this unless he really stops caring, so he's willing himself into a deadened state.

There's a horrible emptiness in him, when he comes in this time. But he still does it. He watches Rean struggle, and he gives the injection, and then he leaves before anything else can happen -- leaves the orderlies to check vitals with the device stuck to Rean's skin. And that's what he's going to do for awhile. He can't deal with it, so he's letting himself die inside, and spending as little time in Rean's presence as physically possible. He's not even giving the injections himself anymore, after that day. He just stands there near the door and watches it be done, and then leaves.]

[After the first day Rean doesn't attack again, he holds his arm out for the injections, and he doesn't try to talk. There's something distinctly wrong with him. He only stares at the walls when he's high and he goes wild when the drugs where off, and then in the between, when he's lowkey miserable but not in the worst of coming down, before the scheduled injections, he simply lays on the floor.

He eats, a little, and when he stinks too much he lets them shove him in the shower. But he doesn't do much else but crawl to relieve himself in the toilet and then crawl back to the floor. The bed's there but he doesn't bother with it.

He's boring, to watch, when he's not screaming. The most active he gets otherwise is taking off the bandages they keep putting on him and clawing open scabs to rend deeper scars into himself. His arms and neck are not going to heal right, the scratches under his eyes are likely to scar at this rate too.

Probably the worst is that sometimes he looks at Crow, when he holds his arm out for the drugs, but he doesn't try to say anything. Or maybe it's worse when he doesn't look up at all, just keeps his head tucked to his knees and thrusts his arm up blindly.]

[Crow hates this more than he's ever hated anything, and that takes a lot of hate. But it's too late to stop now. He's committed. He can't take it back, no matter how badly he wants to.

So he keeps it up. And then finally it's time for the next phase -- Rean's left completely alone for three days. No injections, no manhandling, nothing but the food and water shoved in the door and left for him. The question they're testing is: how much will Rean do to get his fix? How desperate will he be without it, and how well can they control him with it?]

[The first day is... Bad. He eats a little and then huddles in a corner, getting increasingly agitated, scratching his wrists raw and bloody for hours.

The second day he doesn't eat, and he keeps scratching, though he sleeps more, exhausted and sick. Between that he licks at the blood from his nails, claws, licks, claws, licks, claws, licks.

The third day he continues not eating. Well, not the food he's given. He starts gnawing on one of his nails, and then on his fingertip. At first it just looks like semi-normal stress chewing but he keeps going. Biting into the flesh of his own finger like he can't feel the pain. It escalates fast, from chewing to outright tearing at the meat of his finger, trying to crunch through the bone, like a starving animal thrown meat. Except the meat is himself and there's actual food not that far away and yet here he is.]

[Crow watches for the first two days, feeling nauseous but doing his best to keep his feelings flat. On the third he gets so worked up he has to walk away -- he even goes to protest it. This is going too far. There's no need for it.

But when he argues, Cayenne pushes a button no one should push -- he slaps Crow, shamelessly, lecturing him about his place, about who's in charge, about how easily he could throw Crow to the wolves. Normally it wouldn't happen, but Rufus isn't there to keep things under control, and that's a fatal mistake on everyone's part.

Crow deals with it by decking his boss. After that all bets are off so he takes off for the depths of the facility, and shoves Rean's door open just in time to see him taking a chunk out of his own finger.]

--What the hell?!

[He's across the floor in no time, yanking Rean's hand away from his face.]

That's enough!

[Rean looks up at Crow, blood on his lips as he, uh, swallows part of his own flesh. Blood's getting all over Crow's hand where he holds Rean's wrist, that itself is bloody and then there's the copiously bleeding finger staining everything red.

It's not with his normal awakened strength but Rean is leaning forward to try to bite a chunk out of Crow after a few seconds.]

[Crow is a rude boy so he catches Rean's forehead with his free hand and shoves him backwards.]

Down. Stop moving.

[Because Crow needs to pull his headband off and use it to wrap up Rean's hand.]

[Sorry he's going to... Try to bite again... He's a little starved and feral and out of his mind. The whole obedience test is a real bust, honestly. Though he's weak enough to shove around after a few weeks of constant drugs and withdrawal.]

[He'd really rather not lose any chunks of flesh here, so he pulls a glove off and shoves it into Rean's mouth. Once he's got his hand tightly wound to stop the bleeding (alas, he has to rip his headband to make it work), he gets up just long enough to yank the blanket off the bed.

He needs to wrap Rean up but he has to work fast cause he really doesn't want to have to fight him.]

[Oh no, crow without the headband, power limiters on hotness released.

Not that Rean cares, he'd tug the glove out of his mouth but he's distracted by the pain of being bandaged and then he's trying to get up to--something? His head's a mess.]

[While Rean's trying to figure that out Crow's spreading the blanket on the floor, keeping an eye on Rean in the process in case he needs to stop him from doing something else.

Once it's down though he's going to try to shove Rean over and roll him up in it. A burreanto.]

[Rean was trying to pull the glove out of his mouth so he's pretty easy to shove over and roll up, though he struggles and makes angry noises about it.]

[He can be as angry as he wants!! Crow's still turning him into a log, so he can toss Rean over his shoulder and get him out. They have to move fast. He has to get to where he can call Ordine, though he's already talking to him in his head. Convenient, that whole telepathy thing.]

Rean, you're just going to have to hold on, okay?

[He's going to try to swing by the monitor room and pick up the drugs but he's not entirely sure he can pull that off.]

[There's definitely guards being called on Crow, now that Cayenne is over being slapped and the threat of losing not one Awakener but two is pretty real.

Rean is just kind of growling like a feral dog as he squirms but he's unable to do much to hinder Crow.]

[He manages to get to the drugs, but it's getting out afterwards that's hard. Or it's hard at first anyway, before he kicks a guard in the balls and steals his gun. After that it's a lot easier but also a lot bloodier -- good thing Crow gives 0 shits about collateral damage!

Eventually they do manage to hop in a mech. He doesn't have time to rescue Valimar from the hanger he's stuck in, but... they'll figure it out. He's not in any danger. It's Rean who is, so Crow's taking him inside his own robot and getting the fuck out of there. With an angry feral Rean in his lap.]

[If Rean were in a better state he'd protest the murder. If he were in a better state he'd be helping Crow. If he were in a better state, though, Crow wouldn't be doing this so that's all rather moot.

In any case he's a bundled up Rean making angry noises in Crow's lap while they sit inside Ordine.

But he's tired and pretty quickly he just flops against Crow, head pressed to the crook of Crow's neck, eyes closed. He can't bite and he can't talk and he's half out of his mind anyway, so he's falling asleep against the first sustained human contact and warmth he's had in weeks.]

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