filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[Congratulations Rean something got in there past the panic.

It's just different panic, though. Somehow despite the entire running away and trying to disappear thing, he hadn't even thought of it in terms of the relationship. At least not in terms of breaking up. "I don't deserve Rean" and "I'm a faker lying to Rean" and "Maybe Rean's not real" are thoughts he had, absolutely. "I should leave so I don't find out I'm right" is also a thought he had, among a lot of other less coherent ones that led him to this room. But "I want to dump Rean" is not, actually, a thought that crossed his mind.

His mind has not been at all logical the last couple of weeks. But now that he's actually said it, the idea that Rean thinks Crow doesn't want him is even worse than the rest of it. He tried for actual years to convince Rean he didn't want him, but now that he's actually had him he can't imagine doing that again.

But that's what he's done, isn't it? He knew it underneath the mess but there is no walking away now without breaking Rean's heart in a way more profound than he ever could have the first time (the first of several). And yet he's still completely terrified of himself. Unfortunately escaping the lies and confusion and not hurting Rean are mutually exclusive concepts, so he doesn't know what to do.

He keeps thinking about Rean's smile. Rean's laugh. The warmth of his skin and the taste of him and the way he fits in Crow's arms like he was made for it.

The tears on his face when Crow died.

There it cycles back again.

He isn't sure who he is.

He isn't sure what's real.

He wants to disappear.

He wants to make Rean happy.

He's never been so torn or overwhelmed in his life. He's also never cried since he was a child, but even though his face is still blank, his eyes are welling up now. He's trying so hard not to emote that his face doesn't screw up, he doesn't sniffle or make a sound. It would be easy not to notice he's started crying at all except that he's making up for the silence with volume.

He drops his head further to hide it, as tears roll down his face and hit the floor, heavy in silence.

It feels like there's something physically choking him, stopping the words from getting out lest they break something. But finally he takes a slow, deep, shaky breath, and lifts a hand... to pinch Rean's cheek. It's quiet, but the forced smile is audible in his voice, even though it can't be seen.]

Aren't you tired of chasing me yet?

[He's so confused. And alarmed. Crow crying is something he never contemplated. Of course every instinct says he wants to hold Crow and comfort him for whatever is making him cry... But is that appropriate now?

He reaches up and catches the hand pinching his cheek, curls his fingers around Crow's and leans his head forward, enough to thunk gently against Crow's forehead. This is more intimate than friendship but it's also not kissing Crow and hugging him until the tears stop, so it's his best compromise.]

I'm never going to stop chasing you. You should know that by now.

[He says it gently, looking at Crow from way too close. It's hard. He so so badly wants to hold him, but he just squeezes his hand instead.]

So if you get that you're never getting rid of me, let me help. At least help me understand.

[His words are gentle but firm. He's here, he isn't going anywhere, Crow might as well fill him in on what's bad enough to make Crow cry? And then Rean can punch whatever it is in the face or solve it or talk it out or whatever they need to do. He just so badly wants to help fix this. It doesn't even matter any more if Crow is dumping him, as long as he can make Crow actually happy, and not this sad miserable mess in front of him.]

I--

[Oh of course, Rean has to go being cute and affectionate. It's warm, and in the depths of cold despair that burns.

His next breath catches, but he manages to stop himself from any further crying noises. He can't help the hoarse waver in his voice though.]

...I didn't want to dump you.

[Rean has decided that's not the important part but Crow has decided it's the most important part.]

[He can't say he doesn't feel a rush of relief at that, confusing as that is. Okay so, Crow didn't want to dump him, he's really, really happy to hear that. But it also means there's more to this--not that that wasn't obvious anyway.

What is also means is maybe he can pull Crow into his arms though? That might be okay after all? He wouldn't be a weird pushy stalker for doing it? Cool, because he's tugging on Crow's hand to get Crow to lean against him enough to loop an arm around him.]

Okay. I'm really happy to hear that. [His voice is gentle and relieved and still calm and even, because he has to be with Crow such a mess.] But you've got to tell me what this about.

[Yes this is fine. He was trying to tell himself he didn't want Rean to hug him, but now that he's doing it even a little that painful warmth is opening the floodgates.

In Rean's arms he can breathe. But with that breath comes all the emotions held in his chest, so as soon as he exhales he just collapses. He didn't pass out from holding his breath so clearly instead he'll just almost pass out from not holding it.

All at once his legs go out from under him, but rather than slip out of Rean's hold he just drags Rean down with him, so he can shove his face against his neck and hold onto him so tightly his nails are digging in to his back. He's shaking like a leaf, just from the release of pressure, and he doesn't know whether he's more happy or more miserable in this particular moment.

He's not really being helpful with the "tell Rean what this is about" thing yet though, since all he manages to get out is a bit of common knowledge.]

I died.

[Oh.

He sinks to the floor with Crow, wrapping his arms around him and holding him while he shakes, rubbing his back gently with his palm.

Okay. So. He doesn't really get much out of those two words except that this is... Old. And rough. And something he has no idea how to fix but talking about it has to help.]

Yeah.

[He was there. It still makes his chest tighten in pain.]

Is that what this is about? Because I mean, that sounds pretty reasonable to have a crisis over.

[Even if it's a few years later, but then again when has Crow had the time to, before?]

["Reasonable". Goddess but that makes him feel ridiculous. It's reasonable? Reasonable... to have a crisis. Is that what this is? Does that make it reasonable to lose your damned mind and abandon everything to escape yourself? No it does not.

Although he actually feels a little better, able to separate reasonable upset from unreasonable behavior. He still feels like utter garbage but at least he's less confused. And more able to talk.]

...I died. And then I came back. But I don't remember what happened in between. How do I know I'm who I think I am at all?

[Being a little calmer doesn't make it make any more sense. It doesn't make him more willing to look into his blind spot, that being that it matters less who he is and more that he had no control in becoming that person or in what he did while he wasn't himself, and that's had such a profound effect on him that he can't have faith in his own choices and identity anymore.]

[He exhales slowly, still rubbing Crow's back. Wow. That's a lot in a little sentence. He doesn't know the answer. He can only think about it and say what he thinks.]

I didn't know you were thinking about stuff like this... No wonder you seem really stressed. [Understatement of the year.]

I don't know how to answer, because it's not something that's ever happened to me. But to me, and everyone who knows you, you're you. We've never questioned it, I've never... And even if you weren't Crow, you're still the person I love.

I don't know what to do about the memories you're missing, or all this. I don't think it's bad, to be confused right now. But I'm also here to help you figure it out, and so are your other friends.

Yeah, but-- I guess I just don't get it.

[He's so tired. He can't stop shaking but at least he's stopped crying, and is trying to prevent starting again by telling himself he's already never going to live this one down.]

All I ever did was hurt you. All of you. Why did I-- [get to come back, after that] I'm just not such a forgiving person. So I don't get why you keep forgiving me. If I'm just a copy, then I get it even less. You can't even know if anything I tell you is me, or just what's programmed in. Even I don't believe me, so why do you?

[Trying to think about things like Crow is is making him dizzy. Sure, he's overthought things himself before, so he can't criticize. But then he had people to pull him out of it, so now it's his turn to be that person for Crow.]

Hurting us wasn't all you did. You were our friend, first. None of us ever believed that was a lie. I never believed it wasn't true, no matter what you said later.

And if you're a copy... I don't know. Why does it matter if you're a copy? You still remember being Crow, you're definitely the person I've spent the last months dating, none of that was fake, your memories aren't fake, your feelings aren't fake... And if somehow it turned out you were still under someone's control we'd just deal with that.

["Why does it matter" is perhaps the best and worst question he has ever heard. It's the best because it really puts his meltdown in perspective, but it's the worst because knowing it shouldn't matter doesn't make it stop mattering to Crow. He's not sure it'll ever stop mattering.]

...You always make everything sound so easy.

[It's not like Rean means to devalue it mattering to Crow, but he does want Crow to think from other perspectives. It doesn't matter to his friends, because they accept him for who he is right now, what he remembers. They'd accept him if he wanted to change. But Rean knows what it's like having difficulty figuring out who you are, struggling with inner demons and worries and so he rests his forehead against Crow's again.]

It is and it isn't easy. I know it's hard not knowing things about yourself. Not having memories, or knowing who you are.

[Look he's had his own amnesia issues? His own problems with his identity? He knows.]

Nothing I can say well solve that for you. But you just have to know that no one around you, not me or Angelica or Towa or George or Class VII is going to abandon you. So you don't have to be alone in figuring out your answers.

...Thanks.

[He doesn't know what else to say. Rean's right about all of that. That it's hard. That Rean can't just make it all go away. But also that his friends aren't going anywhere. He doesn't really need to be told that. They've hunted him down often enough. It's just that no matter how hard he tries he can't grasp why. No matter what Rean says, it all feels so fragile and wrong. He's not the person who should be here. He feels it in his bones.

Can you have survivor's guilt when the person who died was you?]

Rean--

[God how does he talk without being full of shit? When he can laugh, it's so much easier. He sits back, breaking contact but not trying to get out of Rean's space, and smiles the same way he always did. It means the same thing it always did, too. He's not okay, but he's at least pulling himself together enough to pretend it.]

Ah, hell. You're right. It doesn't matter.

Oh no. No way. You're not getting away with that.

[Just because he said it didn't matter doesn't mean Crow can say it doesn't matter!! Not when it so obviously matters to Crow. He tugs Crow more towards him, no pulling back and smiling, mister.]

You need to stop pretending this doesn't bother you before you can figure out how to work through it, you know. I'll always chase you down but that doesn't mean I like finding you gone. So we're going to talk about this. Right now. And again. And again. Until you have real closure wuth it, and anything else bothering you.

You can't bottle everything up forever.

I just talked to you, didn't I?

[Of course he's barely addressed the tip of the iceberg, but look. He made an effort. It's not like he's going anywhere--

Yeah he knows he's still in trouble. But he really, really doesn't want to open up any further. It's frightening. Crying once is enough for two lifetimes.]

Because I hunted you down and made you.

[He's got that unimpressed expression on. Crow why are you a handful.]

Obviously this bothers you, so I want to know more. Just because it's not going to change how I feel about you doesn't mean you can just try to ignore it again. Didn't I just say I'd be here to help you figure it out? So you kind of need to talk.

I don't even know how to tall about it.

[He sighs, pulling away again to lean back against the wall. It's scary. It's exhausting. Where does he even start?]

Ah.

[Yeah, things can be hard to put into words. So maybe he should ask questions?]

Well tell me more about why you are afraid you're not really you.

Why wouldn't I be?

[Crow drags his hands down his face, trying to find a way to relate what he's feeling. It's impossible to do so without being vulnerable, and that makes it even harder. He's never been good at that.]

Whatever I am, it's not the same as "Crow". That guy probably passed on. No reason not to, except to keep an eye on you. I'm just... I dunno. Leftovers. Or someone else entirely. But if I'm a different person, then I shouldn't be living someone else's life. Plus, as long as I'm playing Crow I can't be my own person.

The thing is, I don't really want to be anyone else. It won't change what I remember or feel... so I'd like to think I've got his soul in me after all. But if I do, I'm... I just keep thinking it's fucked up either way. I'm not even sure if my body can live like a normal person. I've gotten older, but how far does that go? What if there's an expiration date on this thing? Even if there's not... I got a second chance, right? Or I get to be Crow's second chance. I should be grateful for the opportunity, but part of me is still angry I was used all that time. So I can't help wondering if I'm really supposed to be here at all. With you. Acting like I fit in.

That's a lot.

[He agrees, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hand, watching Crow.]

If you don't think you're Crow but you don't want yo be anyone else, then why is it a problem if you're Crow, or if you fit in?

[It's a sincere question.]

No one else can be the person in front of me, so why not you?

I dunno.

[If it made sense it wouldn't be so terrifying. It's the uncertainty that makes it awful -- he doesn't know why he feels the way he does and he doesn't know how to turn it off.]

It just feels wrong. Every time I look at you, I'm waiting for you to realise this is all a lie, somehow. It feels impossible. Sometimes I think I'm still dying, and this is all just a stupid fantasy I've made up to distract myself.

Hmm.

[Rean has no idea what to do about that but... He reaches forward, pinching Crow's cheek actually pretty hard.]

You seem real at least, how's that feel?

Embarrassing.

[He's swatting Rean's hand away, but he can't make himself look seriously annoyed. He still looks wilted, even though he puts on the same old smile.]

...You've always been embarrassing.

So people keep telling me. But I'm not planning to change.

[He puts a hand on Crow's chest, over his heart.]

Whatever you've been through, that you can't remember or don't trust is you, you're still real. And I'm not planning to change how I feel about you, even if you decide you want to change who you are.

[Crow laughs, and it's a tired sound. But though it's bittersweet, his smile looks just a little more real.

Rean's so ridiculous. But like always, that honesty is weirdly comforting. He can't find fault with it. Instead he's just wondering why he ever thought leaving would help more than this. Why did he think he could possibly exist without Rean around?]

I'm going to hold you to that, you know.

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