filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

I don't even know how to tall about it.

[He sighs, pulling away again to lean back against the wall. It's scary. It's exhausting. Where does he even start?]

Ah.

[Yeah, things can be hard to put into words. So maybe he should ask questions?]

Well tell me more about why you are afraid you're not really you.

Why wouldn't I be?

[Crow drags his hands down his face, trying to find a way to relate what he's feeling. It's impossible to do so without being vulnerable, and that makes it even harder. He's never been good at that.]

Whatever I am, it's not the same as "Crow". That guy probably passed on. No reason not to, except to keep an eye on you. I'm just... I dunno. Leftovers. Or someone else entirely. But if I'm a different person, then I shouldn't be living someone else's life. Plus, as long as I'm playing Crow I can't be my own person.

The thing is, I don't really want to be anyone else. It won't change what I remember or feel... so I'd like to think I've got his soul in me after all. But if I do, I'm... I just keep thinking it's fucked up either way. I'm not even sure if my body can live like a normal person. I've gotten older, but how far does that go? What if there's an expiration date on this thing? Even if there's not... I got a second chance, right? Or I get to be Crow's second chance. I should be grateful for the opportunity, but part of me is still angry I was used all that time. So I can't help wondering if I'm really supposed to be here at all. With you. Acting like I fit in.

That's a lot.

[He agrees, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hand, watching Crow.]

If you don't think you're Crow but you don't want yo be anyone else, then why is it a problem if you're Crow, or if you fit in?

[It's a sincere question.]

No one else can be the person in front of me, so why not you?

I dunno.

[If it made sense it wouldn't be so terrifying. It's the uncertainty that makes it awful -- he doesn't know why he feels the way he does and he doesn't know how to turn it off.]

It just feels wrong. Every time I look at you, I'm waiting for you to realise this is all a lie, somehow. It feels impossible. Sometimes I think I'm still dying, and this is all just a stupid fantasy I've made up to distract myself.

Hmm.

[Rean has no idea what to do about that but... He reaches forward, pinching Crow's cheek actually pretty hard.]

You seem real at least, how's that feel?

Embarrassing.

[He's swatting Rean's hand away, but he can't make himself look seriously annoyed. He still looks wilted, even though he puts on the same old smile.]

...You've always been embarrassing.

So people keep telling me. But I'm not planning to change.

[He puts a hand on Crow's chest, over his heart.]

Whatever you've been through, that you can't remember or don't trust is you, you're still real. And I'm not planning to change how I feel about you, even if you decide you want to change who you are.

[Crow laughs, and it's a tired sound. But though it's bittersweet, his smile looks just a little more real.

Rean's so ridiculous. But like always, that honesty is weirdly comforting. He can't find fault with it. Instead he's just wondering why he ever thought leaving would help more than this. Why did he think he could possibly exist without Rean around?]

I'm going to hold you to that, you know.

[He smiles just a bit wider.]

I'm counting on that. I'm holding you to talking to me more.

[He tabs Crow's chest gently.]

We might not have the answer now, but if we keep working on it together, I'm sure you'll get to a point where you have a good sense of who you are and who you want to be. At least as much as anyone else does.

We'll see.

[He's still not sure. He's still honestly really on edge, scared and confused. But he feels significantly better with Rean there. If he can't trust anything else, he can at least trust Rean. He should've remembered that before he took off.

But he didn't. He ran, and yet as should have been expected Rean came after him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness but he's not going to complain about getting it.

He takes Rean's hand in both of his, drags it up to kiss his fingertips. Crow feels threadbare, but Rean is solid, and he'll hold onto that.]

Thank you for finding me.

[In more ways than one.]

[Oh, well he'll blush just slightly. Finger kisses. But more important than cute romantic gestures is that Crow seems a little bit less freaked out.]

I'm stubborn and I hate losing. So you know I'll always catch up with you eventually.

Yeah.

[Rean's definitely stubborn. The harder Crow pulls away the harder Rean pulls back. It's been frustrating at times, but right now he's so grateful he can't put it into words. A lot of things still sting, and that's not going to go away without a lot of time and work, but having Rean there, being able to touch Rean, is grounding. Crow can almost believe it'll all be okay someday.

Almost. But that's better than it was, so here he sits, clutching Rean's hand like a precious thing and doubling over til his face is resting against his own arms. He closes his eyes and takes measured breaths, willing himself not to get emotional again just from relief. He's exhausted, but he doesn't want to stop feeling Rean's warmth, so he doesn't let go.]

You're really something else, Rean Schwarzer.

[That's Crowspeak for "I love you so much my heart might burst".]

[What a big gay. Rean scoots closer and tugs Crow into his arms, just because he wants to.]

I'll take that as a good thing. You feeling any better?

A little.

[He's fine with this. He'd like to pretend he's too cool to like being held but that would be a lie. He's just going to lightly put his arms around Rean and rest his chin on his shoulder.]

I'll feel even better if you let me sleep on you tonight.

Sure. That sounds really nice, actually.

[Rean on the other hand is not at all too shy to deny he likes cuddles? Holding Crow is great and he's gotten to like sleeping next to him, the few times they've fallen asleep together. Maybe it should be a normal thing.]

Good, cause I'm going to turn you into a Rean onigiri.

[In other words, Crow intends to wrap himself around Rean completely. Like he's already doing but even more so.]

That doesn't sound very appetizing.

[Look he's allowed to sass, he had to chase crow down for like a week.]

Don't sell yourself short.

[Crow likes being sassed honestly. It makes him feel a little more normal, so he'll just run with it. Let him joke around for now -- the issues will be there tomorrow.]

I think you look very tasty.

[Sorry Rean he's pulled himself together enough to flirt, so you're getting your ear bitten.]

[He yelps, blushing because that feels surprisingly nice despite it being his ear, that Crow is biting.]

I don't think that's a recipe anyone but you would try.

[It was a fairly gentle bite, but not as gentle as the nuzzle that follows.]

Lucky I'm the only one that gets to, then.

[Rean is far from immune to the sexy charms of Crow being really cute, but right now he's too relieved to make a fuss about it, sighing and leaning into Crow as he relaxes a bit more himself.]

I've got the rest of the week off, we might as well enjoy it, I guess.

Ah, yes. The silver lining in the cloud that is my winning personality.

[It'll be okay, maybe. At least, it feels okay at this particular moment, so Crow's gone from sad flopping to content draping. He's more tired than words can express, but he's remembering that being with Rean does, in fact, make him happy.]

If you squint real hard it might look like a vacation. Which, to be completely honest, you probably could have used before I gave you some new grey hairs.

I'm don't think I'll look as good as you do with silver hair, you know. Go easy on me

[That said this is nice, and he's standing up, pulling Crow with him.]

You look exhausted though. Let's take a nap and you can make me into onigiri or whatever.

I'll try to lower the difficulty level.

[He's not entirely sure he can do that, but he'll try. At least he'll maybe write himself some notes along the lines of "DON'T FUCKIN MOVE" to put in his luggage in case he freaks out again or decides to go do something stupid.

For now though he's letting Rean help him up, so they can go to bed. And then he is absolutely going to wrap Rean up like a tasty riceball, in that he's going to make himself the big spoon and then thoroughly snuggle him. He doesn't sleep still but at least at first it'll be cute. Before he rolls over and sprawls and kicks him.]

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