filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

It's too late. I'm dying as we speak.

[If he keeps up the jokes he won't have to address all the actual scary feelings hearing that brought up. Aside from the warm butterflies thinking of a future together...

That's right. He already died. He can't be too sure of anything after that. And more, he can't imagine dying after Rean. Of course Rean doesn't deserve to watch Crow die again, and of course it's just a joke, but the very idea of Rean dying, even decades from now, makes him want to throw up.

Not that he wants to tell Rean that.]

That's too bad, I guess I should cancel our next date then.

[Gentle sarcasm and fondness. And Rean's typical slight obliviousness. Whether that's good for Crow or not, Rean isn't really emotionally all-seeing.]

[Crow doesn't mind Rean not seeing through him. In fact he prefers it that way. He doesn't want to talk about it -- his insecurities, his doubts, the constant background noise telling him it's all a lie.

It'll all come to a head someday, probably. But until that day, he has no intention of spoiling Rean's happiness with his own problems. He's too afraid the fantasy will go up in smoke.]

You can revive me next free day.

[One day they'll talk about it, but for now Rean is just smiling down at Crow.]

Sure, I'll put in a request with the student council.

[Make you a side quest Crow.]

I'll agree to that.

[You think being a sidequest would bother him? Nah. He'll just charm your students and maybe swindle them a bit for fun.]

[He laughs a little.]

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[He's absolutely going to make dealing with Crow a quest for his students next free day. It'll be good for them to be thoroughly messed with a bit.]

It's them you should warn.

[This is a less embarrassing subject, so he removes his hands from his face and just sprawls. On the floor. It's perfectly comfortable.]

I'll make sure they learn something about awareness.

I know. You're unconventional but a good teacher.

[Said all fond and sincere. After all, he's learned a lot from Crow?]

Can you stop complimenting me for five minutes?

[He's not annoyed, really -- it's a joke, said with a dry, sleepy kind of humour.]

Like, say, to take a nap?

I don't know. Will you make it worth my while?

[Look he can be a sassy teasing person when he wants, okay.]

Yeah, if being a warm body to sleep next to counts.

[He's not committing to anything! He won the race, after all.]

I guess that doesn't sound too bad.

Yeah, see? No issues.

[He intends to nap right here, but ofc Rean is a reasonable person so they end up napping on the couch. There's not a lot of room but that just means they have to cuddle, which Crow is completely fine with (though he wouldn't call it cuddling because that's embarrassing).

Crow's had nightmares since they got back, but he's always slept alone, and he's not loud about it, so it wasn't obvious. With Rean warm next to him, his sleep is pleasantly featureless. When he wakes up, everything is comfortable, and nice, and idyllic, and as he looks at Rean's sleeping face he thinks he could stay like that forever.

...And then he panics. It's too perfect. After dedicating himself to a suicidal goal, he wasn't supposed to get to just go home and be happy. Even when Rean chased him all the way, he died before a happy ending could happen. And that's the problem. He died. He remembers it perfectly: the pain that faded as his life slipped away from him. The dulling of the senses, the agony of regret.

And yet he's here now. He's here, and he remembers the moment his memories came back with the same vividness, as though the first breath he took again as "Crow" was revival itself. What he doesn't remember is how. Oh, he knows, in theory, what happened. He remembers a period of time where he was someone else. But there's a gap between dying and "Siegfried", and inside that gap are all the things he's terrified to face.

Like the fact that it didn't just "happen". It wasn't a spontaneous event. It was a twisting of the world's rules, imposed on him by someone else. He likes being alive, so it feels counterproductive not to be grateful -- he is grateful, but at the same time the lack of agency in that decision, and in the life he led between that and becoming himself again, is something he doesn't know how to address. He doesn't know how to address the fear that he's missing something that makes him who he is.

He doesn't know how to address the constant creeping sensation that he doesn't belong here. This happiness, the weight of Rean in his arms, must belong to someone else. To a version of him that deserves it. To a version of him that didn't die. Is he still even Crow Armbrust, or just an approximation wearing his face?

He doesn't know. He feels like he lost all the certainty he had in his identity and his goals into that gap in his memory. He's not even sure this isn't a terrible dream -- and if it was, who's dream would it even be?

All those feelings rise up in his chest at once, threatening to choke him back into the oblivion he's afraid he belongs to. But the moment is sweet, and he buries the uncertainty, staring straight up at the ceiling until he can breathe.

After that, he goes on pretending everything is fine. He picks up the house and cooks, he heaps affection (and endless teasing) on Rean, he goes out and gambles and entertains children. He gives Rean's students a run for their money and makes them question Rean's sanity in living with him. Every day it's the same -- every day he's there when Rean comes home, smiling with open arms while the cracks in his heart spider out until he feels like a broken window pane.

Until one evening, he shatters. Nothing dramatic happens to trigger it. He doesn't, honestly, need a push. He was already walking the thinnest of wires, so all it takes is a cut on his thumb to make him slip. A quick stab of pain, a drop of blood smeared on the cutting board, and suddenly he feels like he's right back in the moment his body gave up on him -- the body he was born into, anyway.

His thoughts cut out, and the next thing he knows it's been twenty minutes and something is burning. He manages to cover for it, but when Rean gets home that night Crow is a little... off. He still smiles, and laughs, and makes fun of himself for "getting distracted listening to the radio" and ruining part of dinner. But whenever he's not actively talking to Rean, he spaces out, like he's staring off at something that only exists in his own head.

The next day, Crow packs his things. He scours the house, leaving it perfectly spotless and tidy and completely lacking in any sign that he ever existed. Anything that was his is gone -- he really didn't have anything he couldn't carry with him. And then he leaves his key neatly in the center of the dining room table and walks out.

He can't be here anymore. This happiness hurts too much. It can't be real. It doesn't belong to him. It doesn't suit him and he doesn't deserve it, and Rean doesn't deserve to deal with that. He's not thinking rationally enough to acknowledge that if they were too close for Rean to let him go before, they're hopelessly entangled now. He just can't imagine being the person Rean cares about that much. He feels like he's been lying, and if he just gets away from it the illusion will evaporate and he can go be no one at all.

When Rean gets home, the house is dark and silent and empty.]

[For Rean's part he's deliriously happy for the time he spends with Crow, for the normal, mundane life of teaching and coming home and having a boyfriend. Their relationship to him is important, it always has been, so he's been taking it slow and just enjoying the fact of being together with Crow every day.

He knows there's a lot Crow needs to work on, that Crow is never what he seems on the surface, but he figures they have time and Crow can come to terms with and talk about anything with Rean when he's ready. It's not like Rean's ever tried to be hard to talk to, he's pretty sure.

The night Crow seems kind of off he almost presses, almost asks, but decides that maybe Crow needs some time to figure out what to say, and leaves it for the next day.

Except the next day he comes home to an empty house. That in itself isn't entirely unheard of, the more Crow goes out with the locals the more days Rean sometimes comes home before Crow. But something feels different, and when he finds the key on the table, and walks through the house to find it not only spotless, but devoid of all traces of Crow, the dread builds to a certainty.

He's really going to kill Crow, when he finds him again. Kill him, and then shake him until answers fall out.

Focusing on how mad and determined he is is a good way to distract himself from the stab of heartbreak, but it doesn't really stop it from hurting, either. He's never had a significant other which means he's also never been dumped. It's not fun, it turns out. It hurts enough that he does stand in the living room for a while, gripping the key until it digs into his palm, teeth gritted and eyes squeezed shut but none of that is enough to keep the tears at bay entirely.

But he only lets himself cry for a few minutes before wiping his eyes and pulling his coat back on. He's got to go tell the principle that he'll be taking and abrupt leave of absence. He's got to call his friends and ask them to help look. Keep an eye out because he doesn't have any clue what direction Crow is headed, he'll inquire at the station but he doubts he'll be able to track Crow by train if he left a while ago.

There's a lot he has to do, and when he finds Crow he's going to make him explain. If he did something wrong he can fix it, or at least, drag Crow back. Whatever else they are, Crow is his friend and part of Class VII, and if Crow wants to break up then... fine, but this is a shitty way to do it. And he's not letting Crow vanish out of his life just to break up with him. And if for some reason something else is going on, then he'll get those answers too.

But he has to find Crow first.

Even if he has friends in high and low places in every corner of Erebonia it still takes a while to track Crow down. Not as long as it would if someone less well-connected than Rean were looking, but a week, maybe two until he's showing up at whatever inn Crow is staying at, looking determined and serious as he stands in Crow's doorway.]

Crow.

[Crow spends that week focused on running. If he only thinks about what train to take and where to sleep, he doesn't have to think about feeling lost, or scared, or angry, or... guilty. He knows, in the rational part of his mind, that he shouldn't have just left. But he couldn't stand it anymore, and he was well aware Rean wouldn't let him go if he just told the truth. So he doesn't -- well, he doesn't regret the leaving in itself. He regrets the hurt he knows it must have caused Rean, but not enough to make him go back.

He wants to disappear. Not just from Rean's life, but from reality -- from his own name and all that's attached to it. He could just die, but he doesn't actually want to do that, not because he's opposed to being dead but because he's petrified of coming back to life. He doesn't want to have to remember death again.

And he doesn't want Rean to find him. That would mean explaining himself and/or returning to the life he's scared of and that Rean deserves better than. But he doesn't actually want to think about all of that either, so he spends as much time as possible either moving or sleeping.

There's only so much sleeping a guy can do though, so he's lying on the bed in his room when Rean shows up, listlessly counting the grains in the ceiling and willing his mind into a void. He groans at the knock on the door, slowly forcing himself to get up and open it. It's probably housekeeping, in which case he doesn't care, but there's always the chance he's found out, and that makes him hesitant to answer.

But he's trying not to stand out too much, so instead of being weird at the probably-maid, he opens the door and-- it's Rean. He freezes when he sees him, his hand slack on the doorknob and his face white like a sheet.

He can't even force a smile. His expression is just blank, like all those times in the past he didn't know how to react to Rean, only this time he's not staring at him but right through him.]

...Hi.

[Actually seeing Crow's face is a mess of emotions he doesn't even know how to begin processing. Heartbreak, relief, anger, worry. Crow looks like hell. And chasing him down this last weak has been hell in anxiety, for Rean. Turns out it's hard dealing with being broken up with while trying to stay reasonable and focused and still being incredibly worried about the person who ran out on you. Why is Crow like this?

He takes a breath to steady himself, and puts his hand on the doorframe so Crow would have to literally break all his fingers to shut him out. He's certain Crow won't do that.]

Hey. Come take a walk with me.

[He doesn't want to start anything violent in a hotel room, he's not uncivilized, but right now the only way he thinks he can calm down is to make Crow fight him. Maybe that will focus Crow a little too, he looks shellshocked.

Afterwards they can talk.]

[It's true he won't slam the door on Rean's fingers. But he isn't being cooperative, either. He's not gearing up for a fight, though. He just steps back from the door, all measured quiet and deep, blatant exhaustion.]

I'd rather not.

Fine. I'm coming in, then.

[If Crow won't come and fight it out with him he'll just come inside and make him talk. He doesn't ask if he can come in either, because he's not going away even if Crow says no so he's not going to try being polite. He steps in, instead, closing the door behind him.]

Let's talk.

No.

[He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to fight, either. He doesn't want to be here. There are too many feelings going on right now. He can't possibly get up the energy to deal with them when he's busy being flattened by them.

He remembers not that long ago, telling Rean he'd always be happy to be caught. The thing is, that's true. He's happy to see him. He's happy to know Rean cared enough to chase him and he's happy to think that maybe Rean will help. But he's so overwhelmed by everything else that that happiness is a knife in his heart. It makes everything worse, because he can't actually believe Rean can help. He can't believe that he should, when he can't even trust that he's the person Rean thinks he's chasing, or that this is even happening in a reality that exists to anyone but Crow.

He keeps a distance between himself and Rean, defensive but not entirely combative.]

Go home, Rean.

No.

[Rean echoes Crow's own word and steps forward, backs Crow into a wall if he has to but he's getting up in Crow's space.]

Not without you. And not until you tell me what's going on.

[He can tell Crow is freaking out, that something is really bad if Crow can't even try to pretend he's fine, that he's not having some kind of crisis. He wishes Crow would just tell him what so he can work on fixing it.]

[Rean does in fact have to back Crow right into the wall. On a better day he'd sidestep that and crack a joke, but today he just freezes up, going blank to avoid looking like he's scared of Rean.

He's not, of course. He's just afraid of his own desire to give in to him, and the fear of that "gap" inside of him that's growing and growing until it sucks the breath right out of his lungs.

For real. He's so upset he can't breathe. So he doesn't say anything, he just shakes his head, eyes trained on the floor and hands clenching into fists to fight the urge to reach out and cling. He won't talk. If he gives voice to his fears they'll all come true and he'll find himself nothing and noone and nowhere at all.

He's fine. This is just what happens when you press your trauma down so hard it turns into a pressure cooker of anxiety and explodes.]

[He waits a bit for Crow to say anything, resting his hand on the wall by Crow's shoulder. He's not taller than Crow so he can't exactly be all manly and look down at him from this position but hey, if Crow is looking down he can catch his eyes more easily.

When it's obvious Crow is going to either pass out holding his breath or start hyperventilating Rean frowns.]

Okay. I'll start.

I want to know what's happening. It's one thing if you're going to dump me, but running away to do it--I don't think that's like you. I don't think looking like this is like you either. I don't know what you're thinking, or why you look so scared of me, and I want to understand what's happening with you, but I can't unless you talk to me.

I know it probably seems like an annoying stalker but I swear I'm fine accepting you breaking up with me if that's what you want. I really can't let you go though, and that's as your friend. I promised I'd always hunt you down.

Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. What can I do?

[He hasn't really rehearsed what to say, he's just reacting to Crow's face, his fear, his misery. He wants to get the whole relationship thing out of the way up front. He doesn't want to have problems of being the annoying persistent unwanted boyfriend when it's ultimately more important to him to help Crow figure things out--whatever things are going on--as his friend, like he's always been.

He still feels mixed up and hurt and confused but it isn't as important as whatever is making Crow look like this. He just wants so badly for Crow to let him help, somehow.]

[Congratulations Rean something got in there past the panic.

It's just different panic, though. Somehow despite the entire running away and trying to disappear thing, he hadn't even thought of it in terms of the relationship. At least not in terms of breaking up. "I don't deserve Rean" and "I'm a faker lying to Rean" and "Maybe Rean's not real" are thoughts he had, absolutely. "I should leave so I don't find out I'm right" is also a thought he had, among a lot of other less coherent ones that led him to this room. But "I want to dump Rean" is not, actually, a thought that crossed his mind.

His mind has not been at all logical the last couple of weeks. But now that he's actually said it, the idea that Rean thinks Crow doesn't want him is even worse than the rest of it. He tried for actual years to convince Rean he didn't want him, but now that he's actually had him he can't imagine doing that again.

But that's what he's done, isn't it? He knew it underneath the mess but there is no walking away now without breaking Rean's heart in a way more profound than he ever could have the first time (the first of several). And yet he's still completely terrified of himself. Unfortunately escaping the lies and confusion and not hurting Rean are mutually exclusive concepts, so he doesn't know what to do.

He keeps thinking about Rean's smile. Rean's laugh. The warmth of his skin and the taste of him and the way he fits in Crow's arms like he was made for it.

The tears on his face when Crow died.

There it cycles back again.

He isn't sure who he is.

He isn't sure what's real.

He wants to disappear.

He wants to make Rean happy.

He's never been so torn or overwhelmed in his life. He's also never cried since he was a child, but even though his face is still blank, his eyes are welling up now. He's trying so hard not to emote that his face doesn't screw up, he doesn't sniffle or make a sound. It would be easy not to notice he's started crying at all except that he's making up for the silence with volume.

He drops his head further to hide it, as tears roll down his face and hit the floor, heavy in silence.

It feels like there's something physically choking him, stopping the words from getting out lest they break something. But finally he takes a slow, deep, shaky breath, and lifts a hand... to pinch Rean's cheek. It's quiet, but the forced smile is audible in his voice, even though it can't be seen.]

Aren't you tired of chasing me yet?

[He's so confused. And alarmed. Crow crying is something he never contemplated. Of course every instinct says he wants to hold Crow and comfort him for whatever is making him cry... But is that appropriate now?

He reaches up and catches the hand pinching his cheek, curls his fingers around Crow's and leans his head forward, enough to thunk gently against Crow's forehead. This is more intimate than friendship but it's also not kissing Crow and hugging him until the tears stop, so it's his best compromise.]

I'm never going to stop chasing you. You should know that by now.

[He says it gently, looking at Crow from way too close. It's hard. He so so badly wants to hold him, but he just squeezes his hand instead.]

So if you get that you're never getting rid of me, let me help. At least help me understand.

[His words are gentle but firm. He's here, he isn't going anywhere, Crow might as well fill him in on what's bad enough to make Crow cry? And then Rean can punch whatever it is in the face or solve it or talk it out or whatever they need to do. He just so badly wants to help fix this. It doesn't even matter any more if Crow is dumping him, as long as he can make Crow actually happy, and not this sad miserable mess in front of him.]

I--

[Oh of course, Rean has to go being cute and affectionate. It's warm, and in the depths of cold despair that burns.

His next breath catches, but he manages to stop himself from any further crying noises. He can't help the hoarse waver in his voice though.]

...I didn't want to dump you.

[Rean has decided that's not the important part but Crow has decided it's the most important part.]

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