filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[No one is perfect except Rean, duh? But Crow doesn't have time to protest, because Rean's pulling him down and kissing him and all Crow wants to do is drown in it. He may not be able to get all he's feeling across, but it's certainly obvious that he's totally wrapped up in Rean, in the way that he kisses him so thoroughly, drops onto his elbows to lean closer and closer, as close as he can get without actually pressing against him.

What's a breath? He sure doesn't know. He just knows Rean tastes like everything he's ever wanted and he could kiss him til the world ends and still not be satisfied.]

[It's an amazing kiss all right, and his fingers find their way into Crow's hair before he's pulling back enough to breathe very reluctantly. But only enough to catch a breath,looking at Crow is happy affectionate mild lust and tugging him in for more kissing.

It's wonderful honestly. Felling Crow warm against him, tasting him, the thrilling softness of his lips and tongue and the way he can't get enough. It's easy to see how people could spend way too much time getting caught up in kissing like this. He feels like he never wants to stop kissing Crow, touching him lightly over his neck and shoulders and back.]

[Crow never wants to stop either. He wants to kiss Rean forever. He wants to be touched by Rean forever. There aren't words for how badly he wants to experience nothing but Rean for as long as physically possible.

He's being very good, but he can't help himself entirely. After awhile, it's just irresistible to put his hands back on Rean, feeling his stomach, moving up to splay his fingers over his chest. He just wants to feel him. There's no such thing as enough.]

[Crow might not get forever but he's going to get at least a good half hour of makeouts. Rean reacting with surprised but not displeased noises at some of the touches, but not really willing to break up the kissing for too long, only for little breaths.

And he's getting a bit bolder with his hands, liking that he gets to touch Crow, that Crow is touching back, that this is warm and wonderful and exciting. He doubts it could ever not be exciting or warm or wonderful, with Crow. but that's beside the point.

Eventually he's feeling a little too heated, and he pulls back, catching his breath, face flushed, quite a mess but also really glowing.]

Hey.

[Rean is just. Amazing. Everything about him is amazing and Crow doesn't ever, ever want to stop. But he lets Rean pull back when he wants, though he does whine about it.]

Nnn... What?

[Why is his ~~dick~~ life so hard? And why is Rean's face so incredibly captivating? His fingers twitch against Rean's skin, eager to keep exploring it but fully aware of the rules of this encounter.]

[Crow is a good boy and Rean appreciates it, sort of. Part of him doesn't but that's the part that wants to keep going. He still thinks slow is a better idea than recklessly racing into... Well. It's not like he has doubts about wanting to spend his life with Crow or anything, it's just... This is all precious. He doesn't want to miss any of it because he's impatient. Or that's one of the reasons.

With a very regretful smiles he brushes his fingers through Crow's hair.]

We should prooobably stop at this point.

[Or stopping is gonna get more difficult.]

[This is the most reluctant groan. A terrible whiny noise full of sexual frustration! He's dying.

But he is obedient, and rolls off of Rean to flop next to him instead.]

Probably, yeah.

[He pats Crow's elbow or whatever is in easy reach. He sympathesizes, he is also sexually frustrated here! But for a good cause.]

That was nice, though.

You are probably the only person on earth who reacts to all that with "that was nice".

[It's kind of funny and kind of sad. What a good honest boy Rean is. Crow loves him so much.]

Um... Is there something else I'm supposed to say?

[SHOULD HE BE MORE SEXY SOMEHOW...? He's not sure he could manage sexier words but he could be more romantic. He pushes up on an elbow and looks down at Crow, earnestly.]

I really enjoy kissing you, and touching you. I don't really know what I'm doing, but you're being so patient, and I'm glad you don't seem to mind too much, letting me figure things out.

...Thanks, Rean.

[He doesn't know how else to respond. The matter of fact "that was nice" was funny, but the sappy stuff is just embarrassing. It throws him off his "cool funny senpai" groove. The cherry-red flush is bright on his cheeks, and he gives up on being cool in favor of putting his hands over his face with a sigh.]

I'm going to die young.

Hm... You've already done that though. Maybe for a change of pace try dying old next time. In your nineties at least. And because it'll be another new thing, do it after me, for a change.

[He's already taking about living to old age together. Casually.]

It's too late. I'm dying as we speak.

[If he keeps up the jokes he won't have to address all the actual scary feelings hearing that brought up. Aside from the warm butterflies thinking of a future together...

That's right. He already died. He can't be too sure of anything after that. And more, he can't imagine dying after Rean. Of course Rean doesn't deserve to watch Crow die again, and of course it's just a joke, but the very idea of Rean dying, even decades from now, makes him want to throw up.

Not that he wants to tell Rean that.]

That's too bad, I guess I should cancel our next date then.

[Gentle sarcasm and fondness. And Rean's typical slight obliviousness. Whether that's good for Crow or not, Rean isn't really emotionally all-seeing.]

[Crow doesn't mind Rean not seeing through him. In fact he prefers it that way. He doesn't want to talk about it -- his insecurities, his doubts, the constant background noise telling him it's all a lie.

It'll all come to a head someday, probably. But until that day, he has no intention of spoiling Rean's happiness with his own problems. He's too afraid the fantasy will go up in smoke.]

You can revive me next free day.

[One day they'll talk about it, but for now Rean is just smiling down at Crow.]

Sure, I'll put in a request with the student council.

[Make you a side quest Crow.]

I'll agree to that.

[You think being a sidequest would bother him? Nah. He'll just charm your students and maybe swindle them a bit for fun.]

[He laughs a little.]

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[He's absolutely going to make dealing with Crow a quest for his students next free day. It'll be good for them to be thoroughly messed with a bit.]

It's them you should warn.

[This is a less embarrassing subject, so he removes his hands from his face and just sprawls. On the floor. It's perfectly comfortable.]

I'll make sure they learn something about awareness.

I know. You're unconventional but a good teacher.

[Said all fond and sincere. After all, he's learned a lot from Crow?]

Can you stop complimenting me for five minutes?

[He's not annoyed, really -- it's a joke, said with a dry, sleepy kind of humour.]

Like, say, to take a nap?

I don't know. Will you make it worth my while?

[Look he can be a sassy teasing person when he wants, okay.]

Yeah, if being a warm body to sleep next to counts.

[He's not committing to anything! He won the race, after all.]

I guess that doesn't sound too bad.

Yeah, see? No issues.

[He intends to nap right here, but ofc Rean is a reasonable person so they end up napping on the couch. There's not a lot of room but that just means they have to cuddle, which Crow is completely fine with (though he wouldn't call it cuddling because that's embarrassing).

Crow's had nightmares since they got back, but he's always slept alone, and he's not loud about it, so it wasn't obvious. With Rean warm next to him, his sleep is pleasantly featureless. When he wakes up, everything is comfortable, and nice, and idyllic, and as he looks at Rean's sleeping face he thinks he could stay like that forever.

...And then he panics. It's too perfect. After dedicating himself to a suicidal goal, he wasn't supposed to get to just go home and be happy. Even when Rean chased him all the way, he died before a happy ending could happen. And that's the problem. He died. He remembers it perfectly: the pain that faded as his life slipped away from him. The dulling of the senses, the agony of regret.

And yet he's here now. He's here, and he remembers the moment his memories came back with the same vividness, as though the first breath he took again as "Crow" was revival itself. What he doesn't remember is how. Oh, he knows, in theory, what happened. He remembers a period of time where he was someone else. But there's a gap between dying and "Siegfried", and inside that gap are all the things he's terrified to face.

Like the fact that it didn't just "happen". It wasn't a spontaneous event. It was a twisting of the world's rules, imposed on him by someone else. He likes being alive, so it feels counterproductive not to be grateful -- he is grateful, but at the same time the lack of agency in that decision, and in the life he led between that and becoming himself again, is something he doesn't know how to address. He doesn't know how to address the fear that he's missing something that makes him who he is.

He doesn't know how to address the constant creeping sensation that he doesn't belong here. This happiness, the weight of Rean in his arms, must belong to someone else. To a version of him that deserves it. To a version of him that didn't die. Is he still even Crow Armbrust, or just an approximation wearing his face?

He doesn't know. He feels like he lost all the certainty he had in his identity and his goals into that gap in his memory. He's not even sure this isn't a terrible dream -- and if it was, who's dream would it even be?

All those feelings rise up in his chest at once, threatening to choke him back into the oblivion he's afraid he belongs to. But the moment is sweet, and he buries the uncertainty, staring straight up at the ceiling until he can breathe.

After that, he goes on pretending everything is fine. He picks up the house and cooks, he heaps affection (and endless teasing) on Rean, he goes out and gambles and entertains children. He gives Rean's students a run for their money and makes them question Rean's sanity in living with him. Every day it's the same -- every day he's there when Rean comes home, smiling with open arms while the cracks in his heart spider out until he feels like a broken window pane.

Until one evening, he shatters. Nothing dramatic happens to trigger it. He doesn't, honestly, need a push. He was already walking the thinnest of wires, so all it takes is a cut on his thumb to make him slip. A quick stab of pain, a drop of blood smeared on the cutting board, and suddenly he feels like he's right back in the moment his body gave up on him -- the body he was born into, anyway.

His thoughts cut out, and the next thing he knows it's been twenty minutes and something is burning. He manages to cover for it, but when Rean gets home that night Crow is a little... off. He still smiles, and laughs, and makes fun of himself for "getting distracted listening to the radio" and ruining part of dinner. But whenever he's not actively talking to Rean, he spaces out, like he's staring off at something that only exists in his own head.

The next day, Crow packs his things. He scours the house, leaving it perfectly spotless and tidy and completely lacking in any sign that he ever existed. Anything that was his is gone -- he really didn't have anything he couldn't carry with him. And then he leaves his key neatly in the center of the dining room table and walks out.

He can't be here anymore. This happiness hurts too much. It can't be real. It doesn't belong to him. It doesn't suit him and he doesn't deserve it, and Rean doesn't deserve to deal with that. He's not thinking rationally enough to acknowledge that if they were too close for Rean to let him go before, they're hopelessly entangled now. He just can't imagine being the person Rean cares about that much. He feels like he's been lying, and if he just gets away from it the illusion will evaporate and he can go be no one at all.

When Rean gets home, the house is dark and silent and empty.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject