filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[Holy moly Rean you're finally a grownup and can drink. What a man! A man who is... being leaned on. Because Crow's pretty far gone, and he's happy to see Rean! Clearly the leaning is just because balance is hard and not because he's been dying to climb on him for ~~years~~ months.]

Great! I'm only a little in the red this time. Care to join us?

[Being leaned on is nice honestly. Especially when it just reaffirms Crow is real and still here. Rean smiles and takes a sip of his (real adult) drink to hide his relief and nods.]

Sure. Just one round though, I'd like to minimize the damage to my wallet.

[Besides you only get bond points for the first game.]

Oh, right. Your wallet, huh?

[The thing is, Rean. Any money Crow has is also from your wallet. This is all your wallet.]

If you say so. I'll deal.

[Fortunately for Rean, he can win the hand and make up for whatever Crow has thrown to the wind! And it's a good time, laughing with the same townspeople they laughed with years ago. Only now things are a little different. Rean's basically a hero, and Crow ought to be a pariah, but... he's not. Because they know him. Because even though they might have been concerned about it, after 10 minutes of The Same Old Crow, their fears have pretty much evaporated. He's enjoying that now, but later it's going to be more weight on the feeling that things are just too nice to be real.

But that's later. Right now he's smiling for real, tucked against Rean's side like that's where he's supposed to be -- like no one's going to notice.]

[It's fine they're in a party it's party funds. But Rean is smiling, engaging normally. Maybe even a little more energetic than usual, because of the combination of relief from his earlier panic and the warm feeling of Crow against his side.

The drink turns into two or three, not enough to get totally drunk on but enough to feed the warm feelings.

He orders dinner for both of them at some point and slides a plate at Crow to counter the alcohol. He's barely in his 20s but he's a responsible adult.

This evening out is incredibly fun and warm and he's glad, even if it started with a panic.

And while Rean doesn't seem to realize having Crow plastered to his side is unusual the townspeople sure take note. Not in a bad way but there are some knowing and curious looks that go right over Rean's head.]

[Rean might be oblivious but by tomorrow half the town's going to be wondering when they started dating. But it's not being asked about right now, so they can go on having a lovely evening until they're finally ready to head home. Crow throws his arm around Rean's shoulder as they walk, rattling off stories about various wild goofy things he's done (even from the time they were apart), still keeping as much physical contact is as reasonable.

Until they reach the door. Then, as he lets go and turns to open it, it suddenly dawns on him how he's been acting all night. The space between them is cold. The moonlight on Rean's face is fascinating, and standing there looking at his face makes Crow think of all the cheesy romantic moments in novels.

In a novel, this would be the moment they kiss. But instead he abruptly withdraws, yawning overloud and moving to shove his way into the house without bothering to hold the door for Rean.]

Jeez, when did it get so late? I'm beat.

[There's a good chance anyone who asks Rean is going to be just indirect enough that he has no clue what he's being asked about and then he'll answer about how great it is that Crow is settling in again and the whole town is just going to feel so sorry for Crow, kind of like how Ymir feels for Elise.

For now, though, he's staring after Crow because for a moment, in the moonlight, with Crow looking at him, he felt his heart skip a few beats.

But Crow is already walking away and acting normal, leaving Rean puzzled but following.]

We did stay out pretty late, huh? It was fun, though.

Yeah, it was. I was surprised--

[He's still had too much to drink. He starts to comment before he can stop himself, so there's an awkward pause while he tries to rein it in and find a different way to finish the sentence. He's not as quick on the draw, right now.]

Ah. Surprised to see you actually drink.

[Rean is pretty emotionally smart about things that don't involve romantic feelings directed at him so he pauses in taking off his coat and looks at Crow.]

I am an adult now. What were you really going to say?

Eh? C'mon Rean, you shouldn't be nosy about another guy's thoughts. You might not like what you find out.

[He says it jokingly, but the veneer of cheer is thinner than usual.

Tonight was lovely, and that makes everything else hurt worse. Every time Rean's kind, it makes it worse. Crow is, genuinely, happy here, and that very happiness just tears at all the holes he's left in his own heart. It feels like lying.

So he just lies about everything else to protect himself. Right. A good plan.]

[He finishes taking off his coat, draping it over a chair and coming to stand beside Crow.]

I don't just want to know about things I'll like. I want the know ones I won't like. I want to know everything, Crow. Maybe I'm too nosy, but I can't help it. And I don't want to act like I'm satisfied with just the things you think I'll be happy hearing.

That was a joke.

[It wasn't. Not really. But Crow doesn't know what to do with that kind of sentiment. Crow can't deal with his own shit, so why would he put it on Rean? The problem is, it's hard to control his feelings and his face like this, so instead of dryly exasperated his smile and shrug are just... sad.]

I'm here. That's enough, right?

[So he says, as he pulls away out of range of Rean's touch as soon as he's clear of outerwear. He doesn't know where he's going, except away from that vulnerability.]

Crow...

[For a moment he trails off. There's a lot he wants to say. But should he? It's hard sometimes to balance respecting space and speaking his mind. But he thinks, he has to say what he's thinking, otherwise he's not giving Crow the chance to respond. If they can't talk things out, then it's bad.

His expression gets more determined and he steps forward again, gently chasing Crow, but not too far. Just getting close enough.]

Ever since things have settled down you've been avoiding talking about how you feel. I know it has to be hard, coming back like nothing has changed. But things have changed. A lot has. You, me, our friends, this country. Trista isn't immune to that either. But part of that change is that everyone is moving forward. We're not looking back, and I think... I feel like you are.

I didn't bring you back here to make you live another lie. If you're troubled by things, it's okay to share that. I want you to rely on me.

[There's that blank look again. Only instead of just confused, this time Crow looks downright stricken. He always knew Rean was the kind of person to see through you, and the kind to say so, if he thinks it'll help. But he still has no idea what to do with it. He doesn't know how to rely on anyone like that.

He tries to think of a response, but he just draws a blank. In lieu of wit, and knowing he's not going to convince Rean he's fine, he deals with it by... sitting down. On the floor.

He's not the crying type, but part of him wishes he were. There are just so many conflicting feelings right now, but the most important one is: he loves Rean so much it feels like dying.]

...I'm too drunk for this.

Okay.

[He kneels in front of Crow, smiling a little wistfully as he reaches out, offering a hand up.]

I guess that's fair. We'll talk about it tomorrow, after school.

[He wants to add "don't disappear on me" because of this evening but Crow might not get it.]

...

[He might. He might not. But Rean didn't say it, so instead of addressing that problem he's just staring at Rean's hand like it's going to bite him. Honestly, Rean's held his hand out to Crow way too much, literally and metaphorically, and Crow feels like if he takes it right now he won't be able to control what he does next. But he can't just reject it for no reason. So cautiously he lifts his hand to take Rean's.

It's warm. Crow's always been just a bit bigger than Rean, but he still has the sensation that he's tiny in comparison. Rean could hold the whole world in that hand. Yet, Crow just wants it to hold him. That's selfish and embarrassing and he's been trying for ages to hide it, but maybe he really is too drunk. Too drunk to deal with things. Too drunk to hide his feelings.

Too drunk not to pull Rean down, tangle his free hand in his shirt, and kiss him with utter desperation.]

[He's caught off guard. For not the first time in Rean's life he really has no idea what to do (or where to put his hands) but he figures it out before Crow can pull away and laugh this off too.

He doesn't even know what to think right now but it feels right. Crow's lips against his are warm and soft and taste of booze. And Crow is solid and amazing and it is really incredible and unbelievable and kind of mindblowing that this person is kissing him, right now!

He drops one hand to the ground by Crow's hip, bracing himself so he's not in as much danger of falling awkwardly on top of Crow. The other is still held captive by Crow and he leaves it that way, fingers squeezing Crow's hand lightly as he tries to figure out this kissing thing on the fly.

It's more difficult than he assumed, but Rean is a fast learned and after a second of confusion and an awkward nose-bump he's kissing Crow back, trying to copy and match him, and doing pretty well.

The position he's ended up in is up on his knees, braced on a hand, leaning over Crow and demonstrating you don't have to be experienced to figure out kissing pretty fast.

He's going to let Crow decide when this ends because frankly his brain is still catching up.]

[Rean's kiss is imperfect, but it's still the best kiss Crow's ever had. He doesn't want it to stop ever, and he's expressing this pretty well by throwing his free hand around Rean's neck and pulling him down harder, closer. He may have to breathe, but he doesn't have to just sit back and bask in it. He can stop and start again, pulling his other hand free of Rean's so he can touch his face, his hair, his shoulders.

He's drunk and full of feelings and rather than address them he'd rather just take them all out physically. But also he's drunk and not thinking about Rean being a pure baby, so left to his own devices he's going to pull Rean over on top of him and aggressively make out. There doesn't have to be any space between them. That's silly.]

[He was going to let Crow make the "when this stops" call but it seems like it's not stopping?? Rean doesn't exactly object. It's really nice, if a bit overwhelming. He's going along with making out for a little while, mainly because he himself finds he doesn't want to stop. It's all a bit intense for his first experience in kissing--well making out now.

When Crow tries to drag him on top though he finally resists. Not because that doesn't seem like an amazing idea, but sort of because it seems like an amazing idea. He's already rather hard, and if he weren't sort of floating on giddy endorphins and how nice kissing Crow is he'd be really self-conscious of that.

As it is his cheeks are pink, his lips are red and swollen and glistening, and he's having to take a moment to catch his breath while he pulls back enough to like, try to talk without pulling so far he's out of Crow's arms. Turns out having Crow's hands all over him is nice. He should try being handsy with Crow next time. If there's a next time. If this isn't some drunken distraction tactic. He's hoping it's not. He's really really hoping is not and this will be a regular thing.

He takes another steadying breath, and finally tries to speak. His voice sounds a bit wrecked honestly.]

Crow.

[And uh. That's all he's got. Actually. Well that's one way to shut Rean up. He has no clue what to say next, all his brain cells have scattered in the wake of passionate, prolonged kissing.]

[Rean's not the only one hard and out of breath. It's not surprising Rean's stopped, but Crow doesn't want him to. In fact he whines a little in protest when he pulls back. It's hard not to be pushy, but he's trying not to be a disaster so he resists the urge to try to climb under Rean's skin.]

You don't have to stop.

[Please don't stop. He doesn't want to think.]

That's the thing. I don't want to, but I think we should. For tonight. Until we talk.

[His voice is getting steadier at least, though he feels no less overwhelmed with both happiness and hormones. If he weren't so Rean he'd be crawling on top of Crow but a little willpower is no big deal. Especially because Crow is drunk, and it would be irresponsible to continue until Crow is sober and they've had a chance to actually talk. This is way too important and a big deal to Rean to mess up with making out on the floor drunkenly.

So he's reaching out to take one of Crow's hands, squeezing it and smiling at him.]

I'll get you to bed and we'll talk about this tomorrow.

[And then maybe continue?? A little at least?? Well, that's the hope, that they'll continue at least eventually.

Goddess Rean didn't know how he's going to sleep, let alone teach class.]

[He lets Rean take his hand, but he's still making a big deal of being disappointed. Rean's smile is sweet, and Crow loves it, but he doesn't love the idea of talking about it.

So he just flops backwards, sprawling on the floor and groaning in complaint.]

Why do you always have to be so responsible?

It's a curse.

[He says it dryly but halls in Crow's hand.]

Come on. Up you get, lazy bones.

[He's going to make sure Crow is in bed with a glass of water... Like a responsible person. Maybe it is a curse.]

I don't wanna...

[Nooo just let him die here. His life is over. He's getting up because he's being tugged on but he doesn't wanna and he's going to be grumbly the whole way to bed.]

Mmhm. Don't be a big baby.

[Rean encourages as he steers Crow to bed, then fetches him water. After setting the glass down he hesitates, should he do more? He's so frazzled, honestly, even if he doesn't look it, but after a few seconds of doing nothing that seem like forever he smiles and turns to head to his own room.]

Good night Crow. Drink all of that. See you after class.

[Aidios help him, he's not getting a wink of sleep tonight with how his heart is pounding and his thoughts are whirling. He could use a good dip in a hot spring to calm himself right now, except in thinking that he's remembering their trip together as Class VII and what Crow looks like mostly naked annnd he's not getting any sleep tonight at all.]

[Crow is pretty stressed out himself, but he's also had enough to drink that once he passes out he's out hard. So when Rean leaves in the morning he's still in bed, snoring peacefully. When he comes home there's dinner on the table, but Crow's out in the back yard, sitting on a bench, looking at a book but not really reading.

Rean's going to want to talk. Ugh. He's not even hungry.]

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Phone account switching is hell

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