filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[Rean is pretty emotionally smart about things that don't involve romantic feelings directed at him so he pauses in taking off his coat and looks at Crow.]

I am an adult now. What were you really going to say?

Eh? C'mon Rean, you shouldn't be nosy about another guy's thoughts. You might not like what you find out.

[He says it jokingly, but the veneer of cheer is thinner than usual.

Tonight was lovely, and that makes everything else hurt worse. Every time Rean's kind, it makes it worse. Crow is, genuinely, happy here, and that very happiness just tears at all the holes he's left in his own heart. It feels like lying.

So he just lies about everything else to protect himself. Right. A good plan.]

[He finishes taking off his coat, draping it over a chair and coming to stand beside Crow.]

I don't just want to know about things I'll like. I want the know ones I won't like. I want to know everything, Crow. Maybe I'm too nosy, but I can't help it. And I don't want to act like I'm satisfied with just the things you think I'll be happy hearing.

That was a joke.

[It wasn't. Not really. But Crow doesn't know what to do with that kind of sentiment. Crow can't deal with his own shit, so why would he put it on Rean? The problem is, it's hard to control his feelings and his face like this, so instead of dryly exasperated his smile and shrug are just... sad.]

I'm here. That's enough, right?

[So he says, as he pulls away out of range of Rean's touch as soon as he's clear of outerwear. He doesn't know where he's going, except away from that vulnerability.]

Crow...

[For a moment he trails off. There's a lot he wants to say. But should he? It's hard sometimes to balance respecting space and speaking his mind. But he thinks, he has to say what he's thinking, otherwise he's not giving Crow the chance to respond. If they can't talk things out, then it's bad.

His expression gets more determined and he steps forward again, gently chasing Crow, but not too far. Just getting close enough.]

Ever since things have settled down you've been avoiding talking about how you feel. I know it has to be hard, coming back like nothing has changed. But things have changed. A lot has. You, me, our friends, this country. Trista isn't immune to that either. But part of that change is that everyone is moving forward. We're not looking back, and I think... I feel like you are.

I didn't bring you back here to make you live another lie. If you're troubled by things, it's okay to share that. I want you to rely on me.

[There's that blank look again. Only instead of just confused, this time Crow looks downright stricken. He always knew Rean was the kind of person to see through you, and the kind to say so, if he thinks it'll help. But he still has no idea what to do with it. He doesn't know how to rely on anyone like that.

He tries to think of a response, but he just draws a blank. In lieu of wit, and knowing he's not going to convince Rean he's fine, he deals with it by... sitting down. On the floor.

He's not the crying type, but part of him wishes he were. There are just so many conflicting feelings right now, but the most important one is: he loves Rean so much it feels like dying.]

...I'm too drunk for this.

Okay.

[He kneels in front of Crow, smiling a little wistfully as he reaches out, offering a hand up.]

I guess that's fair. We'll talk about it tomorrow, after school.

[He wants to add "don't disappear on me" because of this evening but Crow might not get it.]

...

[He might. He might not. But Rean didn't say it, so instead of addressing that problem he's just staring at Rean's hand like it's going to bite him. Honestly, Rean's held his hand out to Crow way too much, literally and metaphorically, and Crow feels like if he takes it right now he won't be able to control what he does next. But he can't just reject it for no reason. So cautiously he lifts his hand to take Rean's.

It's warm. Crow's always been just a bit bigger than Rean, but he still has the sensation that he's tiny in comparison. Rean could hold the whole world in that hand. Yet, Crow just wants it to hold him. That's selfish and embarrassing and he's been trying for ages to hide it, but maybe he really is too drunk. Too drunk to deal with things. Too drunk to hide his feelings.

Too drunk not to pull Rean down, tangle his free hand in his shirt, and kiss him with utter desperation.]

[He's caught off guard. For not the first time in Rean's life he really has no idea what to do (or where to put his hands) but he figures it out before Crow can pull away and laugh this off too.

He doesn't even know what to think right now but it feels right. Crow's lips against his are warm and soft and taste of booze. And Crow is solid and amazing and it is really incredible and unbelievable and kind of mindblowing that this person is kissing him, right now!

He drops one hand to the ground by Crow's hip, bracing himself so he's not in as much danger of falling awkwardly on top of Crow. The other is still held captive by Crow and he leaves it that way, fingers squeezing Crow's hand lightly as he tries to figure out this kissing thing on the fly.

It's more difficult than he assumed, but Rean is a fast learned and after a second of confusion and an awkward nose-bump he's kissing Crow back, trying to copy and match him, and doing pretty well.

The position he's ended up in is up on his knees, braced on a hand, leaning over Crow and demonstrating you don't have to be experienced to figure out kissing pretty fast.

He's going to let Crow decide when this ends because frankly his brain is still catching up.]

[Rean's kiss is imperfect, but it's still the best kiss Crow's ever had. He doesn't want it to stop ever, and he's expressing this pretty well by throwing his free hand around Rean's neck and pulling him down harder, closer. He may have to breathe, but he doesn't have to just sit back and bask in it. He can stop and start again, pulling his other hand free of Rean's so he can touch his face, his hair, his shoulders.

He's drunk and full of feelings and rather than address them he'd rather just take them all out physically. But also he's drunk and not thinking about Rean being a pure baby, so left to his own devices he's going to pull Rean over on top of him and aggressively make out. There doesn't have to be any space between them. That's silly.]

[He was going to let Crow make the "when this stops" call but it seems like it's not stopping?? Rean doesn't exactly object. It's really nice, if a bit overwhelming. He's going along with making out for a little while, mainly because he himself finds he doesn't want to stop. It's all a bit intense for his first experience in kissing--well making out now.

When Crow tries to drag him on top though he finally resists. Not because that doesn't seem like an amazing idea, but sort of because it seems like an amazing idea. He's already rather hard, and if he weren't sort of floating on giddy endorphins and how nice kissing Crow is he'd be really self-conscious of that.

As it is his cheeks are pink, his lips are red and swollen and glistening, and he's having to take a moment to catch his breath while he pulls back enough to like, try to talk without pulling so far he's out of Crow's arms. Turns out having Crow's hands all over him is nice. He should try being handsy with Crow next time. If there's a next time. If this isn't some drunken distraction tactic. He's hoping it's not. He's really really hoping is not and this will be a regular thing.

He takes another steadying breath, and finally tries to speak. His voice sounds a bit wrecked honestly.]

Crow.

[And uh. That's all he's got. Actually. Well that's one way to shut Rean up. He has no clue what to say next, all his brain cells have scattered in the wake of passionate, prolonged kissing.]

[Rean's not the only one hard and out of breath. It's not surprising Rean's stopped, but Crow doesn't want him to. In fact he whines a little in protest when he pulls back. It's hard not to be pushy, but he's trying not to be a disaster so he resists the urge to try to climb under Rean's skin.]

You don't have to stop.

[Please don't stop. He doesn't want to think.]

That's the thing. I don't want to, but I think we should. For tonight. Until we talk.

[His voice is getting steadier at least, though he feels no less overwhelmed with both happiness and hormones. If he weren't so Rean he'd be crawling on top of Crow but a little willpower is no big deal. Especially because Crow is drunk, and it would be irresponsible to continue until Crow is sober and they've had a chance to actually talk. This is way too important and a big deal to Rean to mess up with making out on the floor drunkenly.

So he's reaching out to take one of Crow's hands, squeezing it and smiling at him.]

I'll get you to bed and we'll talk about this tomorrow.

[And then maybe continue?? A little at least?? Well, that's the hope, that they'll continue at least eventually.

Goddess Rean didn't know how he's going to sleep, let alone teach class.]

[He lets Rean take his hand, but he's still making a big deal of being disappointed. Rean's smile is sweet, and Crow loves it, but he doesn't love the idea of talking about it.

So he just flops backwards, sprawling on the floor and groaning in complaint.]

Why do you always have to be so responsible?

It's a curse.

[He says it dryly but halls in Crow's hand.]

Come on. Up you get, lazy bones.

[He's going to make sure Crow is in bed with a glass of water... Like a responsible person. Maybe it is a curse.]

I don't wanna...

[Nooo just let him die here. His life is over. He's getting up because he's being tugged on but he doesn't wanna and he's going to be grumbly the whole way to bed.]

Mmhm. Don't be a big baby.

[Rean encourages as he steers Crow to bed, then fetches him water. After setting the glass down he hesitates, should he do more? He's so frazzled, honestly, even if he doesn't look it, but after a few seconds of doing nothing that seem like forever he smiles and turns to head to his own room.]

Good night Crow. Drink all of that. See you after class.

[Aidios help him, he's not getting a wink of sleep tonight with how his heart is pounding and his thoughts are whirling. He could use a good dip in a hot spring to calm himself right now, except in thinking that he's remembering their trip together as Class VII and what Crow looks like mostly naked annnd he's not getting any sleep tonight at all.]

[Crow is pretty stressed out himself, but he's also had enough to drink that once he passes out he's out hard. So when Rean leaves in the morning he's still in bed, snoring peacefully. When he comes home there's dinner on the table, but Crow's out in the back yard, sitting on a bench, looking at a book but not really reading.

Rean's going to want to talk. Ugh. He's not even hungry.]

[Predictably Rean barely slept. And then he spent the day trying to focus on teaching only to get asked by various people about Crow, which left him blushing and flustered every time. So a good 70% of his day has been being teased or otherwise flustered.

Honestly he gets home harried. He isn't even tempted by dinner right now, he just wants to find Crow, and when he does he drops onto the bench next to him with a heavy groan of relief. He doesn't even mean to disturb his reading he's just glad to be here next to the man in question instead of fielding more relationship status questions.]

[He jumps when Rean sits down, startled out of his thoughts. There's no leaning today. Just looking at him with slight apprehension, hidden behind a tired smile.]

Long day?

Yeah.

[He's already feeling better though. Though now the anxiety is more focused. Butterflies in his stomach kind of feelings.

He's the one who said they should talk, but he's realizing he doesn't know how to start. He was too busy all day to sit down and think about it, even though it's the only thing that's been on his mind. And now they're here. And now he doesn't know what to say. Staying up all last night staring at the ceiling wasn't productive last night either.]

Uh... Honestly I've been so busy I haven't figured out where to start. How about you?

[Maybe, actually, he should ask to clarify Crow's feelings, but maybe Crow will do that himself. He's sure if they just start talking they'll figure it out.]

[Crow sighs, closing his book and leaning back. Staring up at the sky, he's quiet for a moment before responding, without his usual enthusiasm. It's like when he told Rean about his past. The weariness, the uncertainty in a tone that tries to remain light and flippant.

It's not a big deal. It's not worth getting upset about. It's not worth sympathy, even though it's the single biggest thing weighing on him now.]

I've been hoping you'd forget you wanted to talk, to be honest. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. You keep going on about wanting to know everything, like it'll all work out if I just tell you what I'm thinking. I want to tell you you're wrong, but I can't. Every time I've thought it's too late to fix anything, you've looked at fate and said "up yours", and it's turned out fine. But that's what bothers me, and that's why I don't want to talk. But I already blew it, so... I dunno. It's past the point where I can get away from it. Right?

[He listens. He's a good listener. Taking in all of Crow's words and thinking about them, turning them over. He looks a little embarrassed at the praise regarding his ability to tell off fate, but he doesn't interrupt. He's quiet for a little while, considering.

It feels like Crow is... He doesn't know actually. That's what's bothering him. And he wants to know.]

I guess if you mean am I going to ignore last night, yeah. But that's not bad, I think. I just want to know what you want. I still want to know what you're thinking all the time. And how long you've wanted to kiss me. And I want to know where you want this to go, too.

I like you. I thought about it last night and all day. I really really liked kissing you. And I like spending time with you. Last night, when you weren't home, it was actually really lame but I was pretty panicked until I tracked you down, probably more than is normal.

This is all really new, I mean, to me in general and between us especially. So it's not like we have to decide everything right now. We can take things a bit at a time.

But we should figure out, um, what direction we're taking them, I guess?

Eeh... That's really up to you.

[Alright, Crow. You can do it. Just tell Rean what you're thinking. This should be way less intimidating than pulling off an assassination or faking your death or fighting in a war or actually dying... but it's not. Part of him would rather leap back to his death than have this conversation, but after all Rean's done for him he supposes he at least owes him honesty. He'll just do his damndest to make it sound like he's not that invested.]

You're the one it's new to. I've been thinking about it almost since we met, after all. I'd have been perfectly happy to go all the way last night, but I know you're the romance and courting kinda guy. I'm surprised you returned it at all, actually...

That long?

[Rean Scwarzer, war hero, Awakener, leader of Class VII. Thick as a brick.

He scratches his cheek, then turns to look at Crow.]

I'm not dead, you know. And you're really attractive. But even so I wouldn't have kissed you back if I didn't want to.

[He may be in his early twenties and have never dated anyone but he's also not desperate? He's the kind of person to whom this all means a lot, so he's never minded taking his time and waiting for someone he can be absolutely serious about.]

I mean, if I weren't interested I'd be telling you right now. But... I'm not doing that, because I just said I like you. I just...

....

I need to know how serious you are, I guess. I don't want to just be a fling for you--and I don't think you'd treat me like that, but I just really want to be on the same page. If we just talk everything out I really am sure we'll work it all out somehow or other.

[As friends, as more, whatever happens, he's a big believer in talking.]

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