filetofish | PSLS BECAUSE GAY

[It's been... An interesting few years, chasing Crow around, living his own life with that goal in mind. Having achieved what he set out to do is almost surreal, but he's not unhappy, on the contrary. Now that he's got Crow back, now that the whole of their class is healthy and happy and where they individually want to be, he's more determined than ever to make sure they all keep having the chance to live their lives as adult members of society in the way they each see fit. Naturally he also now has students to worry about too, but that's another matter.

One he's setting aside when he comes home to be greeted in a way that's now routine, a familiar tease from the guy he spent the last few years stubbornly pursuing. But now he knows Crow better, he isn't as fooled by the irreverent cheer.

Maybe. He still has a hard time reading Crow some days, and he can't claim to be a mind reader. Rather, he thinks he understands that Crow isn't unhappy, but he's also half acting for Rean's sake, and maybe for his own. He doesn't think there's a point in pushing it, anyway, if this is what Crow needs to feel normal.

Even if it's sometimes frustrating. It feels like distance he doesn't like with someone vitally important to him, but at the same time he keeps coming home and Crow keeps being here to greet him. No matter how frustrated he gets, that alone is enough to lift his heart. Every time he leaves a part of him is always anxious that he'll come back and Crow won't be there.

So even though the greeting makes him roll his eyes and sigh it also makes him smile just a little. Just because it's Crow. And that still amazes him.]

I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Dinner smells great though.

[The second part is said from right behind Crow, Rean suddenly standing behind him, leaning over his shoulder to smell the stew. He's close enough to feel the warmth of Crow's back against his chest but he's not actually technically touching him.]

Fish again, huh?

I'm good at fish.

[That much is true. Crow's not exactly a gourmand, but he can cook what's familiar. Of course he's trying to improve and branch out now, but he's not going to actually bring that up in case it looks like he's trying too hard. It's just... As much as he loves being able to be as lazy as he wants, he's keenly aware he's not really doing anything to pay Rean back for risking so much to chase him down and save him from himself, over and over. So if he can't do anything but play house~~wife~~maid, he'll just have to get better at it until it's adequate, without ever letting on that he's making an effort.

He's also trying not to let on that Rean is too fuckin close. That warmth at his back sends blood rushing to Crow's face (and elsewhere), but he hides the reaction by laughing maybe a little louder than necessary. Which is how he's been handling these things in general. The closer Rean gets, the more Crow wants to lean into it, and the harder he has to deflect. This time, by playfully elbowing Rean in the ribs as he laughs, and turning to get dishes out of the cabinet.]

Don't fall in the pot, now. I'm not eating "Rean bisque" for dinner. That's just gross.

That's true. You are.

[He wasn't complaining. Crow cooks fish well. Which is convenient because Rean still likes to catch fish. He mutters an "ow" when elbowed, stepping back to give Crow domain over the kitchen again.

He likes being close to Crow, not that he thinks about it much. He doesn't think about being elbowed and laughed at either, because he's kind of dumb even still.]

I won't mess up your cooking, I promise.

[But there are things he had been thinking about. Like how it's been three months and Crow hasn't once mentioned what he wants to do with his life now. Rean doesn't mind if Crow wants to live here and cook for him forever, honestly. Selfishly he'd really like that, but he didn't drag Crow back into his life so Crow could get away with not pursuing new dreams, and he's starting to worry.

He'll bring it up after dinner, maybe. Because his stomach decides to growl, loudly.]

Sounds like a terrible recipe. Let's stick to fish.

You got it, buddy.

[Rean complimenting him so genuinely makes Crow's heart twist. What a bittersweet feeling... He wants to hear it more. Not just about his cooking, but about everything. He wants Rean to praise him. He wants Rean's attention on him. But it feels undeserved, and childish to want it. He's an adult. A terrorist and a fighter to boot. That kind of fluttery desire is stupid, so he's glad Rean's stomach growling allows him to derail himself.

Don't mind Crow here having a gay crisis while handing Rean his food.]

I dunno about you, but I'm eating on the couch.

[His fingers brush Crow's when he accepts the bowl and he smiles. The table is more civilized, but the couch is fine now and then so he joins Crow amiably, sitting with him and tucking into the meal with enthusiasm.

It's nice, being like this. He really can't get over how it doesn't seem quiet real, having Crow back. He hasn't considered or noticed it, but it's definitely part of his drive to be closer, close enough to touch now and then, affirming reality, that this isn't a dream.]

This is really good.

[Another compliment, sincerely meant, as he devours dinner sitting next to the guy he wasn't sure he'd even see again, sometimes.]

You could probably start a restaurant with recipes like this.

--Eh?

[A restaurant, huh? Now isn't that a weird idea. He can't even imagine it, and in response he just laughs, like it was a joke.]

Seriously? Can you really picture me putting in that much effort?

Easily. Though it doesn't have to be a restaurant.

[He sets his bowl, pretty much empty, down, and turns to face Crow on the couch. His knees brush Crow's thighs and he's too close in general, but his expression is general Rean sincerity.]

You may act like a slacker but it's not like you can actually claim you're not one of the most hard working people I know. It's no wonder you were always asleep in class, not only were you leading the ILF but you were helping everyone behind the scenes all the time. Honestly when I think about it, the amount you accomplished while convincing everyone you weren't doing anything at all is kind of insane.

I know your dedication is impressive, when you want to do things. So if there's anything you want to do, now, I want to help this time. I've been meaning to bring it up, once you had a break. And I'm not saying you have to decide right now, or that your goals have to be as grand as revolution this time. But I don't want you to feel like you're stuck here because of me. Instead, I want to help you achieve whatever it is you next decide to do, big or small, it doesn't matter as long as it's something you want. If you'll let me.

[Part of him is still inclined to panic a little at the idea of Crow leaving the house of course, but...]

Anyway, it's something to think about. You can take all the time you need, but I just want to put it out there that I'm here whenever you decide on something. And I don't plan to let you out of my sight anyway.

[Half joking. But only half.]

[For that speech, Rean is treated to the same blank, baffled expression Crow's always given him when he gets like this. He doesn't know how to respond. He's never known how to. Rean's sincerity is just so earnest it's hard to brush it off.

Back then, though, it was hard because Crow was lying. He couldn't react honestly, because everything was a front and he'd expected it to dissolve in due time. Now things are different... but they feel just the same. There's no great plan to uncover, no war standing between them. But Crow's still hiding things. He still expects this peace to dissolve. But he doesn't know how to explain that, so instead he just sits in awkward silence for a moment. Then he stands, looking for an escape from honesty and from the feeling of Rean so intoxicatingly close.]

Ah, Rean. Overly considerate as always. I'll have you know I'm exactly as lazy as I've ever claimed to be. If I can charm you into giving me an easy life, I'm going to take full advantage of it.

Well it's not like I dislike how things are.

[Rean admits easily. He's only embarrassed by other people being sincere, he's immune to getting embarrassed by his own personal brand of emotional terrorism. Which one of these two is the real terrorist?]

I just don't want you to feel like you don't have options. Whatever you eventually settle on, I'll be here with you for it. And I want to be part of whatever future you decide on, too. In some way or another, that's non-negotiable.

[Look it sounds like a proposal said with lightness, but he's just thinking about how he refuses to not be part of Crow's life the same way he would refuse not to be part of any of class VII's lives. Well, maybe not exactly the same way but that is a vague feeling he hasn't figured out for himself entirely.]

[He can't even hide his blush this time. That's just too much... and typically Rean. He'd say the same thing to anyone else in Class VII, Crow's sure, but it's still a level of gentle encouragement and attachment that Crow's not used to. Or rather, he should be used to it by now, but... After all he's done, he always expected everyone who'd welcomed him so happily would withdraw it.

But they never did. Rean, especially, never did. And that's both warm and intensely painful, in a way he can't quite keep off his face right now, no matter how hard he's trying.]

You're so weird. If I didn't know you better I'd think you're flirting.

[It's mean to throw Rean off, but maybe it's also Crow's own subtle way of flirting... maybe. He's trying to tell himself not to, but it's hard.]

[He's also used to people blushing at his sincerity so while Crow blushing is surprising, in a nice way, he doesn't think too much of it. Except that he must be on the right track.]

If you're getting embarrassed that means I'm on to something here. Seriously though, don't think I'm going to let you off the hook now after everything. I said you can take your time deciding what to do, but you're definitely not getting out of talking about it with me when you do have ideas.

Letting you off on your own is never a good plan, youd probably go thinking you don't want to impose on me out anyone else any more, or get in trouble.

[He's teasing a little.]

[You have no idea what track you're on, Rean Schwarzer.

He's right, though. A part of him absolutely wants to disappear again, rather than be a burden. But he's already decided not to listen to that part, so it's fine. Everything's fine, Crow just happens to feel a little like there's a light shining on him so bright it burns.

He doesn't know what to say.]

Yeah, yeah. If I decide not to be a bum, I'll let you know.

Aw, and I was just getting to talking about a wise upperclassman giving me the advice to always look after my friends. Well, next time.

[He's full teasing now, gentle and happy. Crow's answer is accepted, and that's good enough for now.]

[This is the most longsuffering sigh. The most! Rean is such a pain...

Which is why things continue without change for another few weeks. Crow's still not talking about his feelings, but that's a pattern Rean's probably used to. What's not usual is the day Rean comes home and Crow's not there.

He went to the bar to play cards, is all. But he didn't leave a note, because he didn't expect to stay so late, so for all intents and purposes he's just gone when Rean gets there.]

[That actually panics Rean for a minute. Coming home to an empty house when he's gotten so used to Crow's dumb greeting is alarming. More so when he doesn't find a note. All kinds of scenarios frolic through his head, from revenge kidnappings to Crow leaving on his own. His heart wrenches, and he sits at the table after checking the house a second time for a sleeping or dead body.

Breathe.

He forces himself to calm down. All these scenarios are ridiculous. Crow probably went out shopping or something.

Feeling both ridiculously overprotective and still worried, Rean calls Crow's ARCUS, silently praying with every ring that the next one will be replaced with Crow's voice.]

[There's no answer. Mainly because Crow's ARCUS is sitting on a corner table in a loud bar, underneath his jacket. You've been abandoned, Rean.]

[He's gonna die.

After no answer for a while he chooses his ARCUS. Maybe Crow's in a spot with bad reception? They're shouldn't be anywhere like that in Trista but...

How ridiculous is it to start a manhunt right now? On the other hand, assuming this isn't innocent, how much time would he waste leaving it?

He's going to drive himself nuts sitting around. So he gets up and heads back out into town. Time to start talking to literally everyone and checking literally everywhere.

The question is does he find Crow or is he a step behind.]

[He can find him, with some effort. It's a string of "well he was here this afternoon, but--" across about four different locations before landing at Kirsche's, where Crow is cluelessly and cheerfully having a grand ol' time. He's making sure to win just enough to keep buying beer, and by now he's pretty tipsy.

He was kind of surprised at first how easy it was to fit back in. How welcomed he was. But now he's just being his old dumb self, and it hasn't occurred to him that Rean might be looking.]

[When he walks in the door and sees Crow the wave of relief is strong. It hits him harder than he realized. And for a minute he just stands in the doorway, watching Crow drinking and laughing.

It's a good scene. It twists his heart in a good way. Nostalgic. And with the sheer weight off his shoulders from just seeing Crow he feels suddenly very tired. But happy. He enters the bar and slides himself into the company with a smile, letting himself get passed an alcoholic drink as he sits next to Crow.]

How are the games going?

Edited 2018-04-29 02:13 (UTC)

[Holy moly Rean you're finally a grownup and can drink. What a man! A man who is... being leaned on. Because Crow's pretty far gone, and he's happy to see Rean! Clearly the leaning is just because balance is hard and not because he's been dying to climb on him for ~~years~~ months.]

Great! I'm only a little in the red this time. Care to join us?

[Being leaned on is nice honestly. Especially when it just reaffirms Crow is real and still here. Rean smiles and takes a sip of his (real adult) drink to hide his relief and nods.]

Sure. Just one round though, I'd like to minimize the damage to my wallet.

[Besides you only get bond points for the first game.]

Oh, right. Your wallet, huh?

[The thing is, Rean. Any money Crow has is also from your wallet. This is all your wallet.]

If you say so. I'll deal.

[Fortunately for Rean, he can win the hand and make up for whatever Crow has thrown to the wind! And it's a good time, laughing with the same townspeople they laughed with years ago. Only now things are a little different. Rean's basically a hero, and Crow ought to be a pariah, but... he's not. Because they know him. Because even though they might have been concerned about it, after 10 minutes of The Same Old Crow, their fears have pretty much evaporated. He's enjoying that now, but later it's going to be more weight on the feeling that things are just too nice to be real.

But that's later. Right now he's smiling for real, tucked against Rean's side like that's where he's supposed to be -- like no one's going to notice.]

[It's fine they're in a party it's party funds. But Rean is smiling, engaging normally. Maybe even a little more energetic than usual, because of the combination of relief from his earlier panic and the warm feeling of Crow against his side.

The drink turns into two or three, not enough to get totally drunk on but enough to feed the warm feelings.

He orders dinner for both of them at some point and slides a plate at Crow to counter the alcohol. He's barely in his 20s but he's a responsible adult.

This evening out is incredibly fun and warm and he's glad, even if it started with a panic.

And while Rean doesn't seem to realize having Crow plastered to his side is unusual the townspeople sure take note. Not in a bad way but there are some knowing and curious looks that go right over Rean's head.]

[Rean might be oblivious but by tomorrow half the town's going to be wondering when they started dating. But it's not being asked about right now, so they can go on having a lovely evening until they're finally ready to head home. Crow throws his arm around Rean's shoulder as they walk, rattling off stories about various wild goofy things he's done (even from the time they were apart), still keeping as much physical contact is as reasonable.

Until they reach the door. Then, as he lets go and turns to open it, it suddenly dawns on him how he's been acting all night. The space between them is cold. The moonlight on Rean's face is fascinating, and standing there looking at his face makes Crow think of all the cheesy romantic moments in novels.

In a novel, this would be the moment they kiss. But instead he abruptly withdraws, yawning overloud and moving to shove his way into the house without bothering to hold the door for Rean.]

Jeez, when did it get so late? I'm beat.

[There's a good chance anyone who asks Rean is going to be just indirect enough that he has no clue what he's being asked about and then he'll answer about how great it is that Crow is settling in again and the whole town is just going to feel so sorry for Crow, kind of like how Ymir feels for Elise.

For now, though, he's staring after Crow because for a moment, in the moonlight, with Crow looking at him, he felt his heart skip a few beats.

But Crow is already walking away and acting normal, leaving Rean puzzled but following.]

We did stay out pretty late, huh? It was fun, though.

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Phone account switching is hell

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